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My head wasn’t always messy, there was a time before my hell found me. I use to be normal, be able to think and make sense of things but a lot has happened since then. Let me rewind about a year, to a time when my head made sense and didn’t stress me out.

My name is Anna, I am 14 years old and I live in a city called Leeds which is where I grew up. I go to an all-girls private school, which is where me and my two best friends Isabella and Rebecca meet at the age of 4.  I have two siblings, my younger brother called Aaron who is 7 years old, and my little sister Alice who is 12 years old.

It was the first day of year 10, I was feeling scared as I always did every new school year, I have always been very nervous and shy, it’s a good thing I meet Isabella and Rebecca or I would not of survived school! Anyway, it was the same as always, I woke up feeling anxious about the day, and annoyed summer was over! I got out of bed and ran into the bathroom to get a shower before my 12 year old sister woke up for school. I got out the shower and got changed into my ridiculous looking uniform, black tights, plaid skirt, white top and ridiculous yellow and blue striped tie. Then time for hair and make-up, I always find this annoying. Hair is always the same, I try and brush it out of its messy side plait from the day before and put it back to the same plait but neater for today. Make up I go bare normally but since I feel conscious about my skin, I apply small amounts of conclear and since it’s the first day of a new school year I apply some mascara and lip gloss. I then tidy up and race down stairs. I briefly say hello to my parents while making toast and making small talk with them.

They wish me luck on my first day of year 10. Next, I grab my slightly burnt toast and put on my school ballet flats that are nice and new, I rush out the door grabbing my bag, phone and headphones. I only just make my school bus, I always late for the bus! I find my harry potter book out of my bag and start re -reading that for the one thousands time on the one hour bus ride.

As we approach the school I put my book away and send a quick text message to Isabella and Rebecca to tell them I am almost there and then reply with ” YAY I can’t wait to see you miss you!” which brings a massive smile to my face, especially since it was only the other day when we saw each other. I instantly spot them waiting for me at the gates, I can see Isabella’s ginger frizzy hair for a mile off! We race towards each other, hugging and then do our best friend high five which we made up in year 4. 

It started out like any normal ordinary day, expect it wasn’t. 

School was boring as normal. I went to class, me and Isabella and Rebecca sat at the back and chatted through morning classes. Lunch, I went to the journalism club, while Rebecca went to choir practice and Isabella went to art club. Just like normal.  Then afternoon classes, me, Isabella, and Rebecca sit together of course, as always. Then time to head home without Isabella and Rebecca as they have dance class , I didn’t join them as I can’t dance, so I head on the bus and read some more harry potter on the journey. It was just an ordinary day until I got home. 

I get home and I am the last of my siblings to get home, as they finish school earlier then me since they go to another private school for all ages and both girls and boys, and my dad picks them up. My mum tells me to do my homework while she cooks dinner, things seemed pretty normal, expect she looked very upset. I did what she said and went up to my room to do my homework.  I quickly get changed out of my school uniform into some comfy jeans and my youtube jumper. Since I am above the kitchen I could hear all my parents were saying. I hear them shouting and screaming at each other. My 12 year old sister, Alice came in my room looking upset and scared. I suggested we cuddle up my bed and watch a Disney film to distract her, I let her pick and she chose Frozen of course. I don’t think the distraction worked but I think it helped drown out the noise of our parents arguing.

Finally the shouting stopping as mum called us down for dinner. My little sister Alice was still scared and clinging to my side. I sit down and Alice sat next to me, and my younger brother Aaron sat at my other side and we are looking across at our parents. You can feel the tension in the air. I helped my parents serve dinner. I put some chicken and vegetables on my siblings’ plates and I serve myself some tofu chicken as I am vegetarian, and plenty of vegetables. I pass the bread around the table, grabbing some for myself. When dinner is served up, we all start eating. You can feel the tension and silence in the air. I help my little brother Aaron cut up his chicken. I start eating, but I feel too anxious about my parents fighting to eat, I can tell my sister feels the same. We try and eat carefully, not making too much noise scared we might make the tension worse.

My dad then speaks, and he says “there is something we need to tell you kids. It’s bad news but I need you to be brave, you can do that right?” He looks at us, specifically me expecting me to answer    “ yeah of course” but I don’t feel brave enough to answer right now so we don’t speak we just listen. My mum then speaks and says “do you know how dad has had a lot of time to play with you kids recently, helping out with your homework more and has been in the house more? that’s been nice right?“ she expects me to answer but I don’t speak we just listen. She continues “That’s actually as your dad lost his job a few months ago due to his company closing down, and things have been tricky, but he has been home more.” She pauses and takes a minute to take a drink of water. My mum continues “well things have been tough, I have to work a lot more, and dad has been able to be around for you kids more. Things haven’t been good, so me and your dad have been arguing a lot which isn’t good. Well it turns out me and dad feel its best if..” my mum pauses as she is upset. My dad picks up where she left off, “turns out all things arguing has meant me and your mum think it’s best for you kids if we get a divorce.”

My little innocent brother Aaron doesn’t understand what the word “divorce” means as he is only 7, so he starts asking my parents “what’s a divorce? What does this mean?” however me and Alice are old enough to know exactly what this means.  This mean we no longer be a proper family, being shipped between two houses multiple times a week and everything will change, for the worst. Our family will spilt up. Me and Alice and Aaron will be moved between two houses. This can’t be happening! Alice, comes and sits on my knee and starts crying as I hug her, but I can’t make this go away. Aaron, finally understands what a divorce means after my parents explained it to him gently,he is crying into my mum’s arms and my dad just sits there watching me as if this is my fault. I want to cry, I feel so upset, but I can’t cry, I have to stay strong for my siblings. I can’t cry, I have to be the brave one, but I don’t feel brave right now.My entire world will be changed, I will have to move into two houses, I might even have to move schools and be separated from two best friends, as if we move we might be too far away and living in two houses we might not be able to afford a private school anymore. This can’t happen! I am too upset to cry. I have to stay brave for Aaron and Alice, I can’t cry in front of them.  My sadness soon turn to frustration and anger towards my parents- how could they let this happen, we are meant to be a family. My pour innocent siblings, I had to stay strong for them.

Aaron who is still clinging to my mum, asks if he can be excused and go to bed as he is too upset and tried to eat.  He heads upstairs. Alice who is still on my knee asks if she can go to bed as well as she doesn’t feel hungry.  She whispers if I can  follow her and help her get ready for bed, understanding she is upset I make an excuse about having too some homework still to do, I follow her upstairs. I tell her to help Aaron get ready and to put their PJs on, brush their teeth and I will be in to help them in a minute, I just need to do something first.  I go to my room and grab my phone and ring Isabella and Rebecca and I start to cry gently and quietly, I tell them I need them to come over now, I just have to put Alice and Aaron to bed first. They can tell from my tears that it’s an emergency and with no questions asked they tell me they are coming, just hold on. I wipe away my tears and make it look like I haven’t cried, I have to stay strong for Aaron and Alice. I go to the bathroom where I see they’re already dressed in their PJs and brushing their teeth. I wait for them to finish up, and Alice comes to hug me, she is still very scared and upset. Aaron soon joins the hug and they both start crying gently into my shoulders. I try and comfort them but I don’t know how to make this divorce thing go away. I tell them “Wipe those tears, we have to brave and no matter what happens we will always be here for one another.” And then after I pass them both some tissues, I say “come on now it’s time we should sleep, you can’t be tired at school tomorrow. How about I tell you one of my brilliant stories to help you fall sleep?” they brighten up at that idea, they love my stories especially ones with dragons, mermaids, and wizards and all things mythical. I tidy up, putting their dirty clothes in the laundry bin in the bathroom. I grab both their hands and head to Alice’s room, where we all get comfy on her bed.

I tell them a new story about a young wizard called Aaron, and fairy called Alice, and there big sister Anna who is also a fairy who end up moving into a different house but then find this magical adventure with a dragon and unicorn. I thought turning the bad situation in a light-hearted bedtime story with mythical creatures would help them not be so scared of the situation and make them think it was an adventure.  I think it helped. As I finished a sleepy eyed Aaron asked “Does this mean Mum and Dad don’t love each other anymore?”  that question make me think, I just responded with “Well, my little wizard, I don’t know, I’m sure they still love each other they are just having some problems that is all. I am sure they still love each other, and I definitely know they will always love us three no matter what happens. Try not to worry about it, just get some rest, otherwise how are going to learn about dragons at school tomorrow?” I tell them I love them and not to worry, as long as we have each other we will be ok. I kiss them on the head and they drift off to a dream filled sleep. I would usually carry Aaron into his own bed but I figured if they are scared I would let them sleep together tonight, so I tuck them in, grabbing Aaron’s blankie and putting with him.I grab Alice’s school uniform for tomorrow and lay it out near her homework, being as quiet as possible so I don’t wake them. I close the door silently behind me. I head into Aaron’s room and check if he has his uniform ready for tomorrow as well, he doesn’t so I find his uniform and lay it out ready for tomorrow.

I head to my room and lay my uniform ready for tomorrow, and get changed into my pjs, I still hear my parents arguing down stairs but they’re being quieter as they know Alice and Aaron are asleep but I can hear them and it sounds bad. I sneak down stairs being as quiet as a mouse. I decide to make myself a herbal tea to help me sleep, luckily for my stomach, they are arguing in the living room and not the kitchen. Since I didn’t eat dinner I grab a bag of popcorn and head up to my den, in the attic, not making a noise. On my way up to the den, I pause in my room to write Alice and Aaron a note to leave on my bed letting them know I am sleeping in the den with Isabella and Rebecca in case they are scared or have a problem in the night so they can come find me. I grab my tea, popcorn and teddy and head up to the den.

I get a text of Isabella, which reads “Don’t worry we are just walking down the road, be there soon!” I am glad they are almost here I don’t think I can take this anymore. I text them back saying “finally but use the tree house entrance to the den, as mum and dad are downstairs.” The tree house entrance is a way for them to come up through the tree house and on the roof porch and in the attic window, like our own secret entrance into our den.

Three knocks, that’s our secret code, I run to the window and open it as they climb in. I hug both of them, crying into their arms. I could see they brought a bag of stuff so they can sleep over, which my parents won’t notice since they are still arguing and I really need that right now.

The den is filled with everything we love. The floor is covered in blankets and pillows. We have a big tv with gaming systems and a bunch of DVDs. We have a stereo and a karaoke machine for fun karaoke nights. The room is lit by fairy lights with polarid pictures of me, Isabella, Rebecca and some of Aaron and Alice all my favourite memories. We have a pile of books and a secret collection of midnight snacks. It’s out space. Mine, Isabella and Rebecca and sometimes Alice’s space too when she wants to escape Aaron as we love him but he is alot younger then us so I let her up here with me sometimes. It is the one space that I could go to think and breathe and relax. Expect today, it doesn’t seem to be helping today.

I explained to them about my parents and how this beautiful den we had built up over the past ten years might have to go to waste we might move and I might have to move schools and leave them and I can’t take it! My head couldn’t take all the tears. My heart pounded, feeling like it might explode out of my chest. My head was hectic thinking many different bad thoughts all in one. I felt faint, dizzy and pale. My hands started to uncontrollably shake. I felt queasy. My heart pounding faster and faster. I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. I took many short little breathes. I felt dizzy as if the room was spinning. My head hurts as if my heart was pounding in my head. I felt like I had lost control of my body. I couldn’t breathe. Isabella and Rebecca were with me and trying to calm me down but it wasn’t working. It was like my brain couldn’t register the calming words they were saying. I looked at Isabella, I would see she was worried but I felt so dizzy. The last thing I remember was looking at Isabella and Rebecca and then I blacked out.

The next thing I knew I woke up a very bright, white room. I had a needle stuck in my arm hooked up to a IV drip, A nurse came in and she saw I was awake and called the doctor in. He explained to me I blacked out and that he thinks I had a severe panic attack which can occur when you suffer which a mental health condition called anxiety. He asked if I had ever experienced a panic attack and I told him I never had experienced anything like that before. He said not to worry that there is medication I can take to help. He then asked me if I wanted to see my parents. I said could I speak with Isabella and Rebecca first? He said he would go get them from the family room. I asked if could have some water and some food as I was hungry and the nurse told me she would bring some toast.

Before I knew it, Isabella and Rebecca came rushing in the room hugging me as tight as they could. I needed them here. I asked them what happened. Rebecca told me after I blackout they freaked out and Isabella ran down stairs to get my parents. Isabella then apologised but said she was worried. I instantly forgave her, I could never get mad at her. I asked if Aaron and Alice were okay and did they know I was in hospital? Isabella said not to worry they were still asleep and my grandma was babysitting them and taking them to school this morning while my parents were here. They said Alice and Aaron did know I was in hospital but were told not to worry. I couldn’t wait to get out of here and give them both a massive hug. They put down a bag and told me they went back to mine before coming here to pick up a few of the essential things. They then asked if I wanted to see my parents which I said I probably should but as long as Isabella and Rebecca stay in the room. They agreed and went to get them from the waiting room.

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TO BE CONTINUED

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