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I hear them all come home. I hear my mum say she is going to get dinner ready, surprisingly, I miss the awkward silences at family dinners.  I hear my dad, go and watch the football. I hear Alice and Aaron run up to their rooms. I couldn’t wait for them to come up to the attic. I hear Alice go into Aaron’s room and then before I knew it, they run to me and hugged me.

“keep your voices down I don’t want mum and dad knowing I am home just yet. I missed you both more then you can imagine, I am sorry for everything.” I hug them both very tight and blink away my tears, I don’t want them to see me cry.

“Anna, what happened where were you? I thought you were in hospital? Could they not fix you?” Bless Aaron’s innocent head. I hadn’t even thought how I would explain it all to them yet.

“well Aaron it’s a little bit more complicated then that I just felt trapped and needed to escape so I stayed at Rebecca’s house for a while and now I feel okay and just want to be at home with you and Alice.”

“Are you sure you are okay?” Alice asked anxiously.

“Yes I am fine, for now, I think I may have to go back into hospital for a while though so they can fix me probably but not to worry I am fine. Don’t you two worry about me.”

We sat and talked in the attic for as long as we could. I decided it was time to own up to my mistakes.

“Come on munchkins we should go down stairs. It’s almost dinner time.” They followed me out the attic and then I said “Aaron, Alice go play in your room for a while, I need to speak with mum and dad on my own, I will call you down for dinner.” Without questions, they went and did as I asked.

I walked down stairs feeling more and more nervous and anxious. I walked into the kitchen where I saw mum cooking dinner and on the phone.

“Mum…” I spoke gently, I paused and took a deep breath, trying to calm my anxiety. “Mum…It’s me Anna…”

She told the person on the phone she would call them back and then ran up to me hugging me as she cried. “Oh Anna, Are you okay? You had us so worried. Where have you been?”

“I am okay, and I am really sorry for everything. Are you angry?”

“No sweet heart, I could never be mad at you I was just really worried about you! I am just glad you are okay. Where have you been?”

“Well, I was at Rebecca’s which I know you came looking for me twice but please don’t be angry at Rebecca and Isabel they were only trying to help me. I just needed some time to think that’s all. I realised you and dad were doing what you thought was best and your right I need help. My anxiety is too much, I can’t deal with it on my own. I need your help.”

“Oh Anna, that’s very brave and grown up of you to admit. I am sorry for they way you found out. We can get you help, are you ready to go back to the psychiatric unit?”

“Yes, I am, I will go to the unit, and get the help and treatment I need, but do you think I could stay here tonight? Like do you think we could have a proper family dinner like we use to and then I stay here in my room. Then first thing in the morning I go back to the unit? Would that be okay?”

“Yes I think we can do that, dinner is almost ready.”

“…and one more request, when I go back to the unit… can Isabella and Rebecca visit me whenever I need them and as long as we want, like no stupid rules about visiting hours only? Then I promise I won’t fight, I won’t argue, I will do whatever you and dad think I need to so I can get better.”

“That sounds reasonable I am sure we can sort that. Do you want to go get Alice and Aaron down, and help set the table?”

“I can do that.” That went better than expected.

I went and did what she asked. I went to set the table, didn’t take long, it’s always set for family dinners, I just had to get cutlery. I walked upstairs and walked into Alice’s room where I saw her and Aaron trying to help each other with homework. I had to stop a minute and stop myself from crying with joy, for the first time in a long time. I couldn’t believe I was at home, with my family, and I was with my two amazing siblings and we were going to have a proper family dinner like we use to, maybe for the last time but I tried not to think about that part.

“Hey munchkins! Come on dinner is ready,” Aaron gets up and puts his school stuff on his desk. Alice stays where she is, she looks upset, “Hey Aaron, go down and help mum set the table, we will be down in a minute I just need to speak with Alice,” He does as I ask and walks down stairs.

“I can see something is bothering you, what’s the matter little sis?”

“Well, you have just got back, which I am so happy about but mum and dad said last night you should be in hospital because you’re very sick.”

“Well yes, I do have to go back to hospital tomorrow morning, I am going to be in the car with you and Aaron then dad will drop you both at school and he will take me to the hospital…”

“So you’re definitely going back then?”

“I have to, you see it’s not like Aaron’s broken arm where they put a cast on and set him straight home, see it’s my head that’s ill and I have to go for some treatment, it takes longer then a broken arm to fix, but after a few weeks in hospital, I should be back and everything will be okay., don’t worry okay? You can visit me whenever you like and its only a few weeks, and I will have my phone on me at all times for whenever you think you need to talk, and if you or Aaron, need anything outside of hospital, I sure mum and dad can help and I will get Isabella and Rebecca to help you. Try not to worry okay sis?”

“Okay,” She still sounds very worried.

“Come let’s go get dinner, them after I will help you with the rest of your homework, and tuck Aaron in and tell him one of my stories and then why don’t we watch any movie of your choice before your bedtime? sound fun?”

She brightens up and we walk down stairs to go get dinner. My dad is already sat at the table, I think my mum would off said I was back while I was upstairs. He looked at me and looked like a rabbit caught in head lights.

“Hi dad,” I said in my shy anxious voice. I got no response. Clearly he is mad at me, but to be honest it feels like nothing has changed, he is always mad at me feel as if I was guilty when I did nothing wrong. He always make me feel as everything I did was mistake and it was my fault, it never was, but this time well, technically it was Rebecca’s plan to brake me out of hospital.

We all sat down and served dinner Mum made macaroni cheese, with garlic bread, my favourite, so much better than the hospital food from the other day. My mum and dad were sat either end of the table and then me and Alice one side and Aaron on the other. We all start eating and my mum speaks “This is so lovely, we are all having a family dinner all together.” I felt like she might say “probably for the last time” but she didn’t.

My mum continued “this is lovely us all being together. Alice tell us about your day at school? How was your science test you had?”

“oh easy mum, I got 95%!”

“well done sweetie!” I heard my dad mumble “what happened to the other 5%?” I ignored him, he was being moody and he always expected perfect so I ignored him as I always did, and responded “well done, that’s my genius little sis!” She giggled and we high fived each other.

“Aaron, what about you, I believe you had a spelling test today? How did that go?”

I saw him go shy, Aaron is never shy. “Umm.. I don’t think I did that well, it was quite hard, I only got 4/10 sorry mum.”

“don’t apologize Aaron, its okay, I struggled with spelling when I was your age.”

My dad interrupted her “and with everything that’s been going recently, you wouldn’t have had much time to practice spellings.” He looked at me again, saying this is my fault.

We chatted around the dinner table until dinner was finished. Me and Alice helped mum clear the plates away. We went back in the dining room and mum brought dessert out. Cookies, strawberries and ice cream with chocolate syrup, otherwise known as the best dessert ever made. We all ate up, and sat there in a comfortable silence, it was probably the best dinner we have had in a long time and not just because of the food. As soon as dinner was over we just all sat there for a few minutes enjoying each other’s company. After, Alice and Aaron asked to be excused as they had homework to do. I stay behind as it looks like my parents want to talk to me privately.

“Go on Alice, Help Aaron with his homework, and finish your book report I will be up soon to help you both like I promised I just need to speak with mum and dad. Go on…” I wait for her to go upstairs so I know she isn’t listening, she gets so worried about me.

“What is it? I thought I apologized? I thought everything was okay and we would spend the night here as a family and then first thing in the morning I will go back to the unit and do any treatment and therapy you think I need? Wasn’t that what we agreed mum?”

“Yes we did, but your father and I are concerned that you are not well, you need help.”

“I know I am not well, I accepted that, I agreed I would get help, as long as we spend tonight as a family then in the morning I would go back and get treatment and therapy no argument. I was fine at dinner wasn’t I?”

“yes you were, but that was dinner, what will you be like tonight?”

“I will be fine tonight, I am really tired and I am going to help Alice and Aaron with their homework, then I will put them to bed and tell them a story just like I used to before all this kicked off. Now please I said I was sorry for everything, I am really tired can I go upstairs and help Aaron and Alice?” My mum follows me, “Mum it’s okay, I won’t hurt them if that what’s worrying you, I could never hurt them, and please I just want to spend time with them alone. You can trust me.”  She backs off and walks back down stairs, I carry on walking, I think to myself “It’s like she doesn’t trust me anymore.” I try not to think about that.

I walk into Alice’s room where I see them both doing homework. I go in and help them out. We spend about half an hour finishing their homework, I help out with English as she is a genius when it comes to science and maths but English she struggles. I help Aaron out with his reading and spelling.  It doesn’t take long. We pack up our homework. I help them organise their bags for school the next day, so they have all the right books they need. I help them get clean uniform laid out for the next day. I get them out some PJs and they go get changed in the bathroom and I tell them to brush their teeth. I decide to take this as a good point to check my phone and I have about 100 texts from Isabella and Rebecca,they must be worried. I text them quickly to say them that I am okay and that we had dinner and I will be staying at home tonight and going back to the hospital in the morning for a few weeks of treatment and that once Alice and Aaron are asleep I will video call them. I hear noise coming from the bedrooms so I go check.

I walk in Aaron’s room and I see they are already dressed and ready for bed. Since, it’s almost past Aaron’s bedtime of 8pm and its 7:55, I suggest to Alice, I put him to bed and then we go watch a movie of her choice like I promised as she doesn’t have to go to bed for another hour yet. She agrees and while I tuck Aaron into bed, she goes to pick out the movie we are going to watch. I tell Aaron one of my bedtime stories, this one involves a dragon and a wizard. He soon looks like he is drifting off into dream filled sleep. As he drifts off, I get up to leave the room, before I leave I heard his sleepy voice mumble “Anna, I really wish you didn’t have to go into hospital again, who will tell me bedtime stories?”

I respond, “I know, I wish I didn’t have to either but in a few weeks I will be home and all better. I can ring you and tell you a bedtime story every night before you fall asleep, try not to worry and get some rest my sleepy little wizard. I love you!” I kiss his forehead and he mutter back I love you. As he falls asleep, I walk out the room, trying to not to fall over anything in the dark, I turn his reading light off and switch on his night light. I grab his very teddy and slide it in next to him and tuck the covers around him. I walk out the room and think about how much I am going to miss tucking Alice and Aaron into bed every night.

I decide to take this moment while Alice is still picking a movie for bed to check in with Isabella and Rebecca as they must be worried. I video call them them up, I knew Isabella was at Rebecca’s house tonight as she was helping out with Mandy and they have a science project they have to do together which I would be doing as well if I didn’t have to go back tomorrow morning. I video called and within seconds they answered. The conversation went a little bit like this:

“Anna, omg, are you okay? What happened? Are you at home? We are so worried?”

“Beckie, calm down I am okay, I came home, snuck up to the den, had some time with Alice and Aaron. I went to talk to my mum, she wasn’t angry just worried. I apologized for running away, we agreed that I could spend the night here have a family dinner, which might be the last time. The usual my mum was really worried and my dad blamed it all on me and barely spoke to me. After a great dinner they held me back to question me I think they were worried I might hurt Alice and Aaron tonight but I would never do that. Then in the morning as Alice and Aaron go to school I will go back to the unit for treatment. They promised me you two can visit whenever and for as long as you like without having to come in visiting hours. I accepted I need help. I am okay really. I just tucked Aaron in bed and now I am Alice to pick a movie as we going to snuggle and watch something she is picking movies now.

“yeah that’s it really, I hope you two didn’t get into too much trouble for helping me escape?”

“no only two weeks grounding which is nothing big, don’t worry about it! You really okay even about going back in the morning?”

“Well, I don’t really want to go back but I need treatment, my head is messy, I struggle to think straight like I use to, I should go back, I guess I was just angry at my parents for admitting me there without even talking to me about it first, I shouldn’t have runaway without giving it a chance. Anyway you two can visit me whenever, and its only for a couple of weeks and then will be okay.”

“Yeah of course we will visit you so much we might as well be admitted there as well!” They giggle and they makes me smile with appreciation and I quietly giggle back.

“how’s the science project going?” they turn the camera around and show me the volcano they made and read me the brief version of the report. I wish I could be at school to give this report with them.

“it looks like your going to ace that science project, Mr Clark should be very impressed!”

“I know I just wish you could give the report with us too, you started the volcano off with us in class on Monday, don’t worry I will make sure Mr Clark knows its your project too, and you share the grade.”

“Aww thanks Izzy, I can’t let my grades slip with everything else going on. Anyway it sounds like Alice has picked the movie no need to guess what she picked..

“MOANA!” they shout together as we all laugh. Its her favourite movie, she must off seen it more times then I have seen harry potter.

“more then likely! Thank you so much for getting in trouble for me. I will make it up to you I promise!”

“don’t worry what’s two weeks grounding over a pysch ward! You can make t up by getting better in time for the winter ball!”

“I think I can mange that!” I giggle. My sister bursts into my room with moana DVD in her hands. “Guess that’s where I have to go, good luck with the science project tomorrow, I will try and text you as much as I can tomorrow and hopefully see you after school love you both!” I blow them kisses and we do the little high five thing we do at end of video calls. I put my phone down and pay attention to Alice.

“Moana?” I roll my eyes and giggle. “what a surprise come on then put it in and I am just going to get changed in my PJs and brush my teeth.”

She nods and I head to the bathroom and get changed. I brush my teeth and remember to floss since I didn’t brush my teeth this morning.

I head back into her room where I see she started up the film and got comfy on her princess bed and all the pillows, so I snuggle up next to her as we watch the film and sing along to the songs. My mum and dad I can hear arguing about me downstairs so I turn the volume up slightly to drone the arguing out for Alice. She is very tired and starts to fall asleep towards the end.

“Anna,, “She sleepily said, “I wish you didn’t have to go to the hospital again tomorrow. Can’t you just say at home with me please?”

“Alice, you know I would love to stay home looking after you and Aaron but you know I have to go in for treatment, I need help, but then in a just two months I will be back home like nothing ever happened. I just you to be extra brave and strong for Aaron okay and help each other with homework and look after each other okay?” She didn’t want to argue. “You can visit whenever you like, I will always be glad to see my little sis!” I squeeze her tight and kiss her forehead. “Don’t worry okay, everything will be fine. What if I tell you one of my brilliantly random but insanely fun stories to cheer you up and help you fall asleep?”

She is very tired and just nods along waiting for me to tell her one of my stories. I tell her a story about a fairy kingdom which loses it’s magic power and they had to go on quest for more pixie dust which would bring the magic back.

She listened and then gently fell off into a deep sleep. I moved very carefully so I didn’t wake her. As I got up she was still fast asleep so I placed the bedding back over her and tucked her into bed. I picked up the remote switched the movie off and placed it on her bedside table. I kissed her forehead and left the room. As I got outside her room, I closed the door ever so carefully trying not to wake them. I decided to go check on Aaron, I walked into his room and he was still fast asleep, I picked up his teddy from the floor as he can’t sleep without it, placed it next to him, pulling the covers back over his fragile little arms and body. I gave him a quick kiss on the forehead and carefully crept back out of his room trying not to wake him. Once they were both in bed and sleep, I could hear my parents my arguing, quietly this time, I hope they don’t wake Aaron and Alice.

I walk down stairs to go make a cup of tea. I see that my parents are in the kitchen, they pause as I enter the room.

I quietly and nervously say “I just coming to make a cup of tea.” I say as I walk towards the kettle, flick the switch and wait for the water to boil. I grab my mug and one of my favourite herbal tea bags from the cupboard.

My dad just looks at me and walks out in anger, its just me and my mum now like usual. “Ok sweetie, Did Aaron and Alice get to sleep okay?” She says gently, pretending I didn’t just hear her and dad arguing again as she speaks she uses a tissue to wipe her eyes I can tell she was crying, her mascara is smudged and she has red puffy eyes.

“Yes they are all fast asleep, I am just going to make some tea and then pack up my thing and head to bed as I am very tired.” I pour the boiled water and let my tea bag brew, I liked my tea strong. I turned around and said to my parents “Are you sure everything is okay? I hate hearing you argue and you have been arguing a lot more since you told us about the divorce and since I ended up in hospital, is it my fault?”

“No sweet heart don’t even think that, it is never your fault, we just are having issues you shouldn’t worry okay?” I look up at her but I feel too anxious and worried to answer back so I just nod once, gently, “Do you need help with our packing?”

“No thanks I should be okay, I am going to go bed now, goodnight.” I say as I finish making my tea, pick up my mug and walk out the room heading for my bedroom.

As I entered my bedroom, everything was just as I left it before going into hospital. My bed was made with all my cushions on, I think there is more cushions then bed but I like it that way. My room smelt like a mix of my favourite Lush product, Sunny day, hair detangler spray and my room mist spray which smelt like lavender, I missed this. My desk had all my art supplies where I left them and my half-finished canvas of a sunset scene.  My sketches and finished work was all hung around my walls mixed in with youtube posters. My fairy lights hanging from every corner of my room and around my bed frame. My wardrobe was over flowing and messy as normal. My book shelf was overflowing and in desperate need of organising like I left it. My room felt so cosy, I would miss this. I decided I should pack. I put my head phones on and switched my favourite Spotify playlist on called “Dance like none is watching!” I thought I could do with some music to help me pack and distract me from thinking about why I was packing. I fished out my suitcase from the bottom of my wardrobe, when I could find it under all the clothes. I grabbed all my clothes out of my wardrobe and chest of drawers and chucked them on my bed, went through them and folded and packed the stuff I needed, other things I just put hung in my wardrobe or folded back in my drawers. I went and retrieved my over-night bag from the den with my laptop and chargers and some other bits of clothes off clothes I wore yesterday. I left my laptop and chargers in there and pulled out my clothes and put in my dirty washing basket, I could always ask my mum to wash my clothes from in here then bring them to me at the hospital later.  I found some of my school books in my bag as I was determined to stay update with my school work, I couldn’t fall behind just because my head was messy and I sure I will have time while I am suck in that place between therapy, I felt a rush of anxiety and  nerves and felt dizzy so I turned up my the volume of my music in my headphones and drank some tea and tried not to think about it, then I carried on packing.

I grabbed my toilette bag, hairbrush and bath towel and went back to my bathroom and grabbed a really long shower as this might be the last time I could shower alone for a while so I enjoyed the privacy and decided I should shave since I might not be allowed a razor so I took my time. I shaved my under arms, legs and my private area. Then washed my hair and washed myself. I took my time and just let the water run down my back. I slowly got out the shower just breathing in the privacy of my own being on my own and allowed to shave and shower without someone having to watch me shave. I tried not to think about that too much or I would panic and if that is the case I will just not shave while I am there if I can help it. I put body lotion on and got changed into my pjs, brushed my teeth and then decided to tackle my crazy hair. I took time to brush it all very carefully then used my hands to run my leave in conditioner through. I then plaited in into a left side braid which was my go to hairstyle. I plaited it very carefully as it could hold for a few days and hopefully stay last until it next needed to be washed as my hair will be the last thing on my mind. I would secure it with bobby pins and hairspray when dry in the morning to help make it last. Once I was satisfied, I packed my hair brush with my toothbrush. I placed my dirty clothes in the laundry basket and places my towel on the banister to dry overnight. In the morning I would pack it as I don’t want to have to use a hospital towel. I made sure to pack my medication and some sanity products as I didn’t want to have to worry about using hospital products but hopefully won’t be there for that long.

I headed back into my room as even though it was only 10pm and I don’t normally got to bed until 11pm I was very tired and I guess I should take the extra sleep since tomorrow is going to be a long emotional day. I plugged my phone into charge, I was too tired to read or watch youtube so I just checked my messages and text Isabella and Rebecca for a little bit, it sounds they finished the last adjustments on the science project, Mandy hasn’t come in with nightmares or a wet bed yet which is very good as it might be the first night she hasn’t since her mum’s accident. It sounds like they are watching Harry Potter-Half Blood Prince tonight as they fall asleep which I am gutted about as that is my favourite Harry Potter movie. Our conversation goes on and we talk about what else they have at school tomorrow, they have art, biology, English and double maths. Maybe it’s good I miss tomorrow since I hate maths. I end up falling texting them goodnight and then lying there as I know I have to fall asleep but once I do I will have to wake up and go the psychiatric hospital which I am dreading. I try not to think about it but it consumes my mind and I start to lose control of my heart and my breathing. I just slowed my breathing down and reminded myself that I am safe, I need the help, and I will get better for Alice, Aaron, Isabella and Rebecca. I had to for them. I looked at my lock screen which was a picture of me and Alice,Aaron and Isabella and Rebecca when we went to the summer fair we all have cotton candy in our hands and Aaron has the action figure I won for him on the shooting can game. That picture is my favourite memory and I laugh.

My breathing and heart returns to normal and I drift off into sleep as I am so exhausted even though I know what is to come. I do not wish tomorrow to come. I wish I could freeze time somehow

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TO BE CONTINUED

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