I set a timer on my phone for 15 mins so I didn’t stress about how long they were going to be and so I didn’t watch the clock. I went into my bathroom to freshen up and got changed into a pair of comfy pj bottoms with disney on them and a loose tee shirt and my dressing gown. I sprayed some deodorant and splashed some water on my face and applied some moisturiser. I then got comfy on my bed and checked my youtube and found a quick ten minute video to distract myself until they arrived.
As soon as my video was done my timer went off and I clicked it off and my room door burst open with Izzy and Becca running in and crushing me with a giant hug on my bed. Once they released me, I started balling my eyes out.
“It’s been a tough day.” That is all I could manage to get out through the tears.
“I know, but we are here and we got you, and we even brought out pj bottoms and all the snacks we could grab at mine, we are staying put right with you until a nurse kicks us out and makes us leave and then we will be straight back in the morning.” Becca said in her comforting way and stroking my hair in the gentle mothering way she always does.
“Yeah we will stay until we have to be pulled out by security, you need us today girly.” Izzy backed up.
“Sounds like a plan. I love you guys!” I say while wiping my eyes on my dressing gown sleeve. “You mentioned snacks, what have we got?” Trying to focus on something that isn’t the big elephant in the room. They start grabbing the bags, and dump them out; pringles, doritos, Magic stars, brownies made by Jamie and Mandy this morning, cherry sprite, and kale chips. “all my favourites, apart from kale chips, who is to blame for them?” I raise an eyebrow at Becca.
“What? Jamie made me, she said if we are surviving on snacks at least have a healthy option.”
“well thank her for me, but I won’t be eating them.” I say moving them out of the way of the other snacks.
Becca broke the ice. “enough snack talk, are we going to talk about it?” She didn’t need to be specific; we all knew what she was referring to.
I suppose we should, I thought. “You guys remember your laser tag party? When I freaked out and joined your mum for the rest of the game.” They were nodding along, knowing I needed to talk and for them to listen. “And before summer camps when we went shopping at the mall and I couldn’t handle it and had to leave early?” I wasn’t sure I was explaining it right but this was the only way I knew how to talk about it. “That was like today when I blacked out. Doctor Whittaker on the walk said those are what we call ‘triggers’ and that I have something called social anxiety. Meaning triggers of large, loud crowded spaces, and being separated from you two in a large group means my body goes into what she called fight or flight mode and that’s when a panic attack happens. She explained to me the panic attack is the feeling of being dizzy, struggling to breathe, heart beating fast, and the inevitable blacking out. She is going to help me understand this more in session on Monday but she wanted to let me process and have downtime today and tomorrow as it’s been a hard week.”
“Understandable, and how do you feel knowing you have a name for it and you’re somewhere getting the help you need?” Izzy asked in her kind voice.
“I feel relieved I have a name for it now and that I am getting the help, and that I can understand it or learn to understand. However, I am angry that I have something that needs a name and that I have to be here getting help instead of at home when my siblings need me more than ever.”
“totally reasonable feelings. Just know me and Izzy have your back the whole way whatever you need. We promise we will look out for Aaron and Alice too as if they were our siblings as well, which at this point they kind of are anyway. You are not abandoning them, you are looking after yourself first so that you can look after them in the future. We have your back, whatever you need.”
“I love you guys.” I say tearing up. “Speaking of what I need, Doctor Whittakker said since you are my safe people for the time being she suggested you both join me in group therapy to make me feel safe for now anyway. Is that okay?”
“Like you need to ask, is that okay? Whatever you need, girl, besides therapy is a good excuse to escape my mad house a few times a week!” Izzy said, making me laugh.
We chat away and they help distract me, we are in our own little world even if we have to keep my door open so the nurse can come in and check I am still alive. It is as close to an escape as I will get in here, and with Izzy and Becca it doesn’t feel so scary.
After a few hours of chatting away, watching a movie and munching some snacks the nurse comes in to remind me it’s dinner time if I am hungry. They don’t force you to have three meals a day if you don’t feel like it, but they do monitor to make sure you eat and if you turn up and show having three meals a day, they track everything with these ID bracelets and they mark it down as progress and bonus points for it being healthy options.
“I suppose we should leave this cosy den and go get some real food and show the nurses I am eating normally.” I go to change my dressing gown to my oversized purple hoodie, but decide to leave my disney PJ bottoms and slippers on for comfort. Izzy and Becca notice my anxiety over wearing PJ bottoms out of my room.
“Hey you have some spare pjs dont you? Izzy lets get changed, we can all wear pjs to dinner coz we make our own rules!” This makes me smile, knowing they understand I need to be in comfort clothes as sensory wise can’t handle anything else right now but didn’t feel safe wearing this outside my bedroom. After a few minutes Izzy comes out of my bathroom wearing my purple PJ bottoms and Becca is wearing my toy story ones. I smile and giggle at how my PJs are too short for Izzy as she is very tall but she is making them work. When we all look equally comfy and silly, we head out to the canteen. I lock my door and throw my keys and phone and my fidget toy I grabbed in my giant hoodie pocket.
As normal we walk linking each other’s arms, Becca to my left and Izzy to my right, keeping me safe in the middle and I am grateful to have them. After a quick walk, and passing as quick as possible through the scarier parts like the isolation ward, we arrive at the canteen and we all unlink arms and grab some trays. The specials sign saying sausage and mash day, and actually that sounds pretty good. We all ask for a serving and I grab a side of strawberries for some fruit, Becca and Izzy booth grab some kiwi. I grab my favourite drink of cherry sprite from the soda machine and Becca grabs her favourite diet coke and Izzy grabs an orange soda. We head to check out as we don’t need anything sweet as we have all the snacks in our room.
“Good evening Gloria,” I say as I scan my ID bracelet as she rings up our items.
“Good evening girls, How are we doing? What wild things are we planning today?”
“Hello Gloria, we are okay, how are you? Not super wild, just having a cosy movie night with some snacks and it’s Anna’s turn to pick so it looks like a disney movie night!”
“Sounds super cosy! And I am okay thank you, looking forward to clocking out in an hour as I am going for a drink with some friends after work! Anyway that’s rung up, it comes to £17.50 for you two girls.”
“I hope you have a fun night, and no worries I got this one Iz!” Becca says as she swipes her apple watch to pay before Izzy can argue.
“Thanks girls, have a fun movie night, tell me about it on Monday when I am back, I am off tomorrow!”
“thanks gloria, have a good night and fun day off!”
We head over to find a table and find a cosy table tucked away in a corner, perfect for staying away and being in our cosy bubble tonight.
They chat away about the latest gossip at school and update me on what’s going on, however I stay quiet and just focus on eating as I want to just get back to my room where it is just me, Izzy and Becca and the occasional nurse, as I feel like out here everyone is watching me.
Izzy notices I have gone quiet, “you okay Anna?” She asks with her worried face.
“Yeah, I just feel like everyone is watching me out here, like hey it’s that girl that blacked out and fainted.”
“I can guarantee that is not true, and besides it’s a psych ward, I am sure you are not the first to black out, and I am sure others have done much worse! Becca jokes which makes me smile.
“But if you need, we can finish up eating super quickly and head back to your room, and get cosy into our movie bubble, is that what you need right now?” Izzy suggests.
“That sounds amazing, thanks Iz!”
We finish up our food and clear our trays and then we link arms and head back to my room, and I am in the middle which makes me feel safe, and I grab my fidget out of my pocket to help me while we walk. Before we know it, we are back in my room.
I unlock my door and immediately take a deep breath. I can tell on their faces that Izzy and Becca know I am much more relaxed now.
“As usual, Izzy, you are on snack duty and Anna, your turn to pick, so what Disney movie am I lining up first?” Becca questions but I am pretty sure she knows the answer.
“I think let’s start with tangled, then maybe some beauty and the beast and than if we have time before lights out.” I say as I change my oversized hoodie into my dressing gown and comfy on my bed. Becca takes her shoes off and sets up the laptop ready to go and gets herself comfy. Izzy sets the snacks within easy reach and then also gets comfy on the bed. We all snuggle up and I haven’t felt so safe since arriving here.
Becca checks her phone before we start and checks on the dexcom app for her sister’s blood sugar levels, and when she sees they are in range, and messages Jamie and checks in checking all is good, and Jamie reports that Mandy is tucked up in bed and all is okay. Once that is sorted Becca takes a deep sigh of relief. I check my phone too and message Aaron and Alice to make sure all is okay and wish them a goodnight. Izzy takes this moment too to check in with her mum and she informs her all is okay, the youngest kids are in bed already and the oldest are on the sofa with mum and she can take her time and even stay at Becca’s tonight if she wants. Once we all checked in with out younger siblings we finally start the movie.
Snuggling with Izzy and Becca either side of me and watching my favourite comfort movies is the safest I have felt since being trapped in this place, to the point I fall sleep within no time. Izzy and Becca stay until the nurse comes to do night checks and asks them to leave for the night. They gently move me off their shoulders and rest me carefully on a pillow, close my laptop and leave me a note on my laptop for when I wake up so I don’t worry.
They order themselves an uber and I faintly here Becca saying to Izzy “come stay at mine tonight and then we can walk back tomorrow first thing!” I wish could get in that uber and leave here with them.
—TO BE CONTINUED—