We head out of the ward and as the first breath of air hits me and feels so refreshing and calming.
“oh that is lovely and refreshing isn’t it, and we got lucky today that the sun is out.” Doctor Whittaker comments and I say quiet. “Now that we are outside, would you like to tell me what you think happened this morning?”
“I don’t know honestly, it’s still a little fuzzy. I was in art therapy, trying to focus on my art, but I felt everyone was staring and the room was hot and my heart was beating fast and suddenly everything was black. The next thing I knew I woke up in my room with a nurse, two hours later with no memory of the last two hours.”
“Okay, it’s normal that it is all fuzzy, let’s go over each step and break down why we think it happened. You mentioned feeling everyone was staring, and the room was hot and your heart was going fast? Do you find these symptoms happen often and you feel this way?”
“I mean maybe, I was talking it over with Izzy and Becca before lunch, and I mentioned it’s similar to when I was shopping with them at the mall with our friends before summer camp and that time at laser tag, and I got really self conscious and stressed. But this time in art therapy was worse, and then I guess I blacked out.”
“okay, let’s talk through those moments you felt that way. Talk me through the day at the mall and what happened.”
“sure, me , Izzy, Becca and around 5 other of our friends from school were at the mall as we were all going to summer camp the week after and we needed to buy some supplies. We were in the food court and it was really busy, and I got stressed. Izzy and Becca noticed but the others didn’t so they made an excuse of us wanting to go in a specific shop nearby and we will be back in a few minutes. They actually just took me aside out of view from the others and helped me calm my breathing down and talk it out. They then said let’s head back to the table, and if in a few minutes I still didn’t feel right and wanted to leave I could use our secret code word. Then they would make an excuse to leave early and we would call my mum and get picked up, no questions asked. That is what happened, we sat down at the table again and after about 15 minutes, I felt no better and my chest felt heavy and like I had to leave so I used our secret code word. Izzy and Becca didn’t even question it, Izzy made an excuse that she had to get back to babysit her sisters and that we were helping her with babysitting that night, and the others didn’t question it, so we walked towards the exit and called my mum and she came to give us a lift home. Once I was in the car with Becca and Izzy and my mum, I felt relieved and like my chest didn’t feel so heavy anymore.”
“That’s really great to see what great best friends they are. Tell me about the time at laser tag.”
“okay, so it was for Becca’s birthday, and her parents hired the whole laser tag out for all of our year group, so there were around 30 of us in total. We had pizzas and all the soda we could drink and her mum organised a beautiful cake. It was really fun until we went in and got split into teams, and I got put on a different team than Becca and Izzy as it was kind of random based on whichever vest you put on, they got the blue team and I was red. We got put into our home bases as it was a combination of laser tag and capture the flag. The red and blue teams were so far away I could even find them, we got separated and the lights changed to the UV lighting and the fog machines got going, I couldn’t even see Becca or Izzy anywhere. I tried looking but I could barely see anything and the fog felt really thick and I felt trapped. I was struggling to breath and I felt dizzy and my heart was going a thousand miles a minute.
Luckily I was near one of the staff members who were supervising so I went over to them and said I couldn’t breathe because of the fog and I needed to get out. Can they help me. They helped me find a way to the exit and got me back to Becca’s mum who was at the food table prepping plates and drinks for when we all came out for food. I told her I had a dizzy spell and couldn’t breath with the fog and she said it was okay she actually needed an extra pair of hands with the gift bags, if I didn’t mind. I didn’t so I went and helped organise the gift bags, and helped her with some stuff and by the time we did all that and my heart returned to normal pace, the game was over and the kids came out for food time. Izzy and Becca were hyper and then noticed I already had taken the vest off and didn’t look sweaty like I had been running around like them. The came up and asked what was wrong, I said it was nothing, I was having trouble breathing with the fog and it’s time for pizza.
However, once the party was over and it was just us three later, I confessed that I played it small as I didn’t want to ruin Becca’s party and actually, I got really stressed and felt trapped with the fog and that I couldn’t find them, and that my heart was beating super fast and I felt dizzy so I found a nearby staff member who helped me get to Becca’s mum. They hugged me really tight and told me never to be scared of ruining a party, that I am more important than that and they should have told them straight away and not struggled on my own.”
“That is very good and true of them to say, you should never have to struggle with anything alone, your best friends and your parents and siblings and doctors and me are all here to make sure you no longer need to struggle alone.”
“Thanks, I do know that deep down, I just feel bad for asking for help sometimes.”
“understandable but please ask, we are here to help. Let’s re-focus and also head down this path as there is a cute spot we can sit by the lake for a while.” We walk down and take a seat by the lake.
“A common theme I have noticed with your time at the mall and laser tag, is you felt okay when with Rebecca and Isabella, however in a large group and crowded space or when separated from them is when the feelings of anxiety and panic sets in, does that sound accurate?”
“Yes it sounds true.” I confirm but stay quiet and fidget with my hoodie string.
“It sounds like this morning something similar happened. You were in a large group and completely separated from Isabella and Rebecca, not even in the building, different to the laser tag time. However similar feelings happened of nerves, dizzy, struggling to breathe, heart beating fast and then of course the blackout. It’s sounding to me like you have a very specific type of social anxiety. I will follow this up more and talk to you more about this in our next session on Monday. Have you got any questions?”
“not currently, it’s actually a relief having a name to something I have been struggling with, but I will definitely have questions for Monday’s session.”
“That is fair, it can be alot to process, I understand this more than most, I have a diagnosis of OCD myself which I learnt when I was not much older than you are now. So I do understand, but please do not mention this to anyone as I don’t like my OCD being public knowledge.”
“That is okay, I promise, I won’t tell anyone, not even Izzy and Becca.”
“Thank you.” She takes a sigh of relief. “Other than discussing more from Monday, some steps and goals I am going to propose we add to help you. Firstly, group therapy is still a mandatory part of your care, but going alone is scary for you and Isabella and Rebecca are safe people for you. What I am suggesting is they attend group therapy with you, for a short term until we can figure something else out. As long as it’s okay with them and I will contact your parents and their parents for consent as you are all minors. Does that all sound okay to you?”
“yes that sounds like a great solution. I know Becca and Izzy won’t say no if I need them.”
“Exactly, and I will contact parents for consent. Plus group therapy might be good for Isabella and Rebecca too having a safe space to take a breath from the world. Secondly, I am going to suggest we start something called exposure therapy. Sometimes it will be just you and me, sometimes Rebecca and Isabella may join. But going to busy places like a shopping centre and getting use to the feeling of being in crowded spaces, and being separated from your best friends. All things that are triggers for yourself and we can use to try and show you coping mechanisms and ways of feeling safe in triggering events. Does this sound like something you would be up for trying?”
“Yes that sounds okay, can we please make sure we do it when school is in session though, people at school except Izzy and Becca and a few teachers, think I am off school with a kidney infection and I don’t want to be seen in public with a doctor and having questions from them I don’t have answers for.”
“That sounds reasonable. Don’t worry about details right now, I will go through a full plan with you on Monday in our session. For now, it’s getting chilly, let’s head back inside, you can go have some downtime with your best friends as it’s been a tough day, I will go do some paper work and contact all the parents, and tomorrow they can join you in group therapy and in Monday’s session you can come to it with all the questions you have and we will figure the rest out from there. Does that sound okay?”
I nodded and for the rest of the walk back we just chatted about general things and I was back in my room before I knew it. I sent a message to Izzy and Becca straight away that read ‘Hey, session done, I have a name for it, social anxiety, come over asap and we can talk about it, be in my room when you do, bring some snacks please!”
They immediately both hearted the message and sent a voice note that said “it’s good we have a name, both at Becca’s grabbing some snacks, and getting an uber right now, be there in 15 we love you.”
—TO BE CONTINUED—