My phone buzzed and got me out of my head space. It was Izzy and Becca it was their lunch break at school, and they sent me a pic of mac and cheese and I replied with a picture of mine to say I was having the same. We text back and forth a little bit and they ask how it’s going here I type out “It’s INSANE here (no pun intended) meet a guy called Matty who is helping me find my way around and he is pretty cool, but every other patient here is clinically insane and spaced out or yelling and don’t get me started on the isolation unit!”

My heart skips a beat and I feel a rush of anxiety knowing they are in the canteen with other class mates around. I can’t let others at school know I am in here and I get panicked about them maybe reading Becca’s phone on the table. I decide best to be as vague as possible.  I deleted that text and re typed ‘it’s going okay, I will tell you full details later on when I see you, what time you planning to come over?’

“as soon as, we have a free last period so will be over 2:30,”We text back and forth a little while as I have about an hour until my first therapy session so I text and eat my lunch and start a sketch of Matty. He drew me so my turn to draw him. Time goes fast and the nurse comes in.

“Checks, and Anna you have appointment with the therapist in 10 minutes I will be back to get you and show you were to go.”

I nod and I carry on texting Izzy and Becca.  “awesome I have my first ‘appointment’ in ten mins but will be done just in time for you two!” I put the word appointment in quotations since I can’t say the word therapy as they are still sat with other classmates, but they will understand the quote.

“Good luck!! We have netball in PE next, your favvvv” They added a few emojis and they were being sarcastic, as I hate netball! I would much rather have a horse-riding lesson for PE that’s my favourite! Yes our school is that posh we have our own horse riding stable. I loved going riding and often would stay at break times to help groom and look after the horses. My horse I usually rode is called Bubbles who is a beautiful chestnut mare. Izzy rides Pepper who is a Friesian and Becca rides Cinnamon who is a dutch warmblood.

We text with emjois back and forth for a few minutes and then the nurse comes to fetch me, so I quickly text them “got to go, text me when you’re here and I will come find you. Wish me luck!!” I add a few emojis of fear with a few hearts.

I take a quick sip of my lemonade, put my phone in my back pocket, pick up my sketch book and take my tray over to the trash area.

The nurse checks something on her clipboard and tells me to follow her. She walks fast so I try and keep up. She walks down many corridors. We past the Isolation unit and you can hear one patient screaming which sends a chill down my spine. I hope I don’t end up like that screaming girl. I don’t have long to think about it. The nurse walks up a flight of stairs and I follow doing my best to keep up with her pace.

We walk up some stairs and arrive at enclosed hallway with a chair in the corner, next to room with a door that has the words “Doctor Jodie Whittaker PHD, Therapist” underneath there is a sign that reads “do not disturb and please wait quietly.” The nurse points to the chair by the door and tells me to wait here when I am done and she will come find me. Before I can say anything against that she runs back down the stairs.

I do as she commanded and sat quietly on the chair by the door. I nervous sit forward with my hands under my legs, trying to warm my hands up and stop the anxiously shaking. I watch the clock in the corner hoping watching time go with make me focus on something and stop my anxiety however it makes it worse not better so I open my sketchbook and grab my pencils from the pocket at the back and decide to sketch to take my mind off things. I decide to continue my sketch of Matty, I am focusing on his big brown eyes. I am so caught up in my sketch it makes me jump when the door opens.

Matty walks out door looking upset like something happened in therapy. He spots me on chair, and he wipe a single tear from the corner of his eye. He pretends everything is fine but I can tell it’s not okay. I close my sketchbook so he doesn’t see the sketch of him and we finally talk and say something but quietly.

“hey, you okay?”

“yep.” He pauses.

“it’s my first therapy session in a minute got any tips, my anxiety is all over the place”

he pauses and thinks, I guess he is thinking whether to be helpful and honest or make a joke and be funny.  He looks like he is deciding to be honest and helpful and not funny.

“well if you keep talking they will send you out soon, talk about anything that bothering you and don’t worry, it’s not as bad as it seems. Let’s see what you were just sketching then” he comes over and leans on the wall near me and tries to take my sketchbook out my hand. We have a little tug of war with my sketch book as I say “it’s  not finished you can see it later.”

As if on cue the door opens and someone in a suite with barely any colour, who looks to be mid 50s walks out, looks at me, looks at her clipboard, and back at me again, and says “You must be Anna, come in.” in a strict but friendly voice.

“good luck! Breathe! I want to see that sketch later!” Will whispers to me as he lets go of my sketchbook and I get up from the chair and anxiously walk into the therapy room. Here goes nothing.

Anxiously I followed Doctor Whittaker into the room, as I step in, I take minute to look around and as I do I notice the room is actually more colourful than I expected.  Maybe the walls needed a paint job but generally I was very impressed as I felt this room was brighter than the rest of this monochrome hospital. The walls were bright red and blue with art hung on the walls that were exploding with colour and life. In the corner there was a desk piled high with paperwork and files and a computer in the middle, and a comfortable looking desk chair. Behind the desk is a massive bookshelf with old, ancient books that I am guessing are all about different mental health illnesses that I won’t have heard of. At the back of the room in the corner they’re some bean bags and a child’s doll house with dolls. I thought the dolls were a bit random but I just ignored it. In the middle of the room there was a couple of black sofas with colourful cushions with fancy calligraphy writing with inspirational quotes. In the middle of the two sofas is a plain black coffee table with a box of tissues, a file (I am guessing it’s mine as it’s rather skinny compared to the others on the desk probably because I am new), a note pad on a clipboard and an expensive looking fountain pen.

Doctor Whitaker confidently walked out and made herself comfortable on the sofa nearest to the notepad and file. She is a kind looking woman, with short blonde hair, she is wearing very smart looking clothes, she has a colourful dress on with flower pattern and wedges to match, she has her ID clip with keys attached her lanyard around her neck. She isn’t wearing much make up but the make up she has is cute and colourful pastel eye shadow and a light red lip to match her dress. Her legs were crossed, back upright and she put the notepad and file on her knee and started writing something, looks like she was already analysing and judging me before I even sit down or say a word.

“Hello Anna, have a seat.” She gestures to the sofa opposite her. I sit down on the right side of the sofa. I sit cross legged and place my sketch book on my lap so I have something to fiddle with for anxiety. I play around with the spiral binder and hunch over trying to avoid eye contact. “nice to meet you. I mumble quietly.

“Nice to meet you too. I am Doctor Jodie Whitaker but please just call me Jodie or Doctor Whitaker which ever you prefer. First I should explain how therapy works, you have therapy once a day after school, your time slot will be 1pm which means you will be done before Alice and Aaron finish school so you won’t miss seeing them. School is taught as a big group 9-12pm and if you need extra sessions with our tutor here to keep you update with school work just ask. Your school work is as much a priority here as your mental health we try and avoid letting patients fall behind in school.” I nod along.

“In therapy we talk and work through your problems using strategies to help you cope with your anxiety or just chat about anything that is bothering you. Once a week we have a family therapy session where your parents and siblings come in and we talk through everything and talk through your problems with your family..”

I interrupt her and nervously say “do we have to have my brother and sister here? Just I don’t want to stress them out and keep them out of therapy much as I can, especially Aaron he is only 7.”

“Anna I appreciate you trying to protect them but I think it would be good for having them here and it would give them a chance if anything is bothering them about the situation so they can use that as a free open space for them to talk. “

“well okay but can we at least do it on a Saturdays? They have school and Sunday Aaron has football practice and Alice goes to her best friends house.  

“yes Saturday works fine. As I was saying, on top of this once a month you, me and the other doctors and nurses and your parents have a special meeting called a progress meeting to discuss how well you are doing and if anything with your medication or therapy needs adjusting and the possibility of you going home one day. It’s going to be a long road of lots of therapy and medication but hopefully with you if you work really hard it won’t be more than a few months but we can review it at your progress meeting when I have gotten to know you more. Does that all make sense?”

“yes I understand I have to be out by the winter formal though, that’s my goal.

Good you already have one goal. That was my next point, today is primarily talking about goals that you have and why you’re here, and if you have any other questions because I know this place is very over whelming when your new.”

Let’s start with goals since you already mentioned one. You said ideally you want to be out of here by Winter Formal, when is winter formal?”

“December 15^th, last day of school before christmas. It’s ‘Under the stars’ themed and me, Isabella and Rebecca are going with each other as each other’s dates. Isabella is amazing with textiles and fashion so she is making our dresses so I have to be out for then. It’s such a big deal.”

“woah sounds fun, and okay I will jot that down and we can work towards that date, and review at your progress meeting in a month. Any other goals?”

“not to be in here, is that a goal?” I sat back a lot as I was more comfortable and we laughed at this comment.

“You will get out of here Anna just trust me and work with me. Any serious goals? What do you want to do when you leave school? I see you have a sketch book next to you?”

“yes I love to sketch and art in general. I always carry this sketch book on me and doodling away. I am planning to go to college and university to study Illustration as I really want to be an illustrator and animator and ideally work for Disney one day.”

“woah brilliant goal, do you mind if I have a noisy at your sketchbook?”

“No go for it, I take my sketch book over to her and show her my sketches. That’s Alice with our two guinea pigs, Luna and Moana no guesses to which one is mine. There is quite a few of Alice as she loves to be drawn and her long brown hair is great to sketch.” I flick through a couple of pages of Alice drawings. “That’s Aaron, he loves to dress up and play characters, which makes it fun for me to draw him.” I flick through a couple of different sketches of Aaron in various costumes. “oh that’s Izzy she is sewing away at her machine and making a new design. And here she is styling it out and modelling her design. Floral dresses are her go to, her long wavy blond hair makes her modelling sketches so much fun. She is so beautiful both inside and out but hates to hear it!” I flick through a few more sketches of Isabella. “oh and here is Rebecca she is crazy smart and is amazing at science and maths! She is going to Oxford one  day and will change the world by coming up with a cure for cancer or something. She is a crazy smart genius which helped me when I suck at science but hates hearing she is a genius. Here is one of her helping Mr Chalk in class. I didn’t quite understand the experiment but she just took off and knew exactly what to do. She is crazy smart but hates to admit it. Oh and here is her and her little sister Mandy sleeping. She is an amazing big sister. Ooh and here is a quick un finished one of Will I was just working on outside.” I show it quick and then close my sketch book and take a seat back on the sofa.

“woah Anna you have some crazy talent. You have such a good technique already and your cartoon style is brilliant. Its also nice to see you and Will getting along, he is a sweet boy but tends to stay to himself and it looks like you have a lot in common with each other and he can be a friend to you while you’re here.”

“yeah he is really cool, and we watched harry potter, and he showed me around, and he is into art too so he sketched me earlier so I figured I would sketch him back. And we had lunch earlier and got chatting about our families and he is really cool.”

“Aww good, just remember as well your in here for your mental health so try and not get distracted by boys please.”

“oh gosh no, I haven’t even thought about dating yet, I am not allowed until my next birthday anyway.”

“okay just had to be a Doctor there. So are there any other goals you have?”

“I want to not have my parents get a divorce and keep the family together, but I can’t change that one can I?”

“I meant realistic goals Anna? Maybe lets just stick with the getting out for Winter formal as your main goal and the illustrator and animator goal as your career goal?”

“Okay, Can I ask about my medication? If I am taking stuff I at least want to know what I am taking?”

“fair question, you are on 100 grams of Diazepam a day for your anxiety, an anti-depressant called sertraline which you will take one a day, and Rozerem which is a sleeping medication to help you sleep. That’s just for now and we can adjust dosages and lower them as you progress. Also some of those have side effects like dizziness, headaches, tiredness, nausea. If you start with any of these let me know and we can adjust your medication and change you on a different one. However, don’t worry too much as a lot of people don’t normally have symptoms but if you do come and talk to me and I will change your medication. Does that all sound okay?”

“other then the taking medication I don’t think I need and the possible dizziness, headaches and nausea, all sounds great.! We both laugh at this comment and she reassures me that 80% don’t normally get symptoms an if you do just tell her and she can change your meds.

For the rest of the season we sat and talked about what had happened over the past few days and what I believed set it all off, which I explained how earlier in the week my parents told me about the divorce, how I was put in hospital, how I was transferred to here and how Isabella and Rebecca broke me out and I hid at Rebecca’s place and how after the police came searching for me I realised I couldn’t hid forever and Rebecca and Isabella could get in serious trouble for that I should do the right thing and hand myself in and accept my fate, and get help, and so Isabella and Rebecca don’t get into trouble as they protected me and I had to protect them.  She then told me how that was the right thing and very brave. Which made me feel abit better about being here. She then looked at the time and said “Thank you Anna, that was a very good first season but our time is up, it was nice to meet to me and she looks forward to working with me.” She got up and walked over to the piles of files on her desk and I figured that was my cue to leave.

I quietly got up, grabbed my sketchbook and left without a sound. The nurse was waiting for me outside and another patient waiting on the chair as I guess we ran over slightly over. I notice the nurse  is outside talking to another patient and she notices me walk out and checks something on her clipboard.

‘Hey Anna are you okay finding your way back to the main of the ward I need to have a word with Doctor Whittaker, is that okay?”

“yes I should be fine finding my way back thanks, it’s just down these stairs and straight down corridors and a left reception right?”

“yeah that’s right.”

I nod and I walk down the stairs and find my way back to the main of the ward. As I walk I check my phone to see where Isabella and Rebecca are up.

“done with therapy” followed by a few sleepy emojis. “where are you guys up to?”

“just finished running our laps in PE just hitting the showers and we will be with you in half an hour” They then added a selfie of them looking super red faced and sweaty but pulling goofy faces.

I sent them a bunch of laughing emojis back and said “yeah you better be heading for the showers I don’t want you stinking up my new room” followed by more laughing emojis.

They sent me back a selfie of them sticking their tongues out at me.

I follow the corridors and find my room, room 12. The nurses must have gone through my bags for dangerous objects and laid my bags out on my bed. I decide while I wait to start un pack some stuff. I can at least try and make this feel like home.

I flick my spotifiy playlist on and get organising. My sketchbook and reading books and laptop I place on my desk. I grab my cable and plug my laptop in. I get my school books out and put them in piles on my desk based on subject and assessment order and put my school diary on top of that pile. I head into my bathroom and place my toilette bag on the sink and place everything I need in the correct place. I place my toothbrush and toothpaste in the cup holder, put my hair brush and deodorant on the shelf. I put my shampoo,conditioner and shower gel in the shower caddy. I put my hand soap next to my toothbrush and the opposite side of the sink I put my hair accessories like extra hair ties and clips. I step back into my room and grab my fairy lights and photo frame that I grabbed from the den and place them on the window sill. The photo is of me and Isabella and Rebecca last summer just before Rebecca headed to science camp and Isabella went to fashion camp and I went to an art camp. We were away from each other for 4 weeks. Before we left we had a massive girly sleepover, pizza, movies, face masks the whole works. In the picture we are cuddling and eating pizza.

As I place the photo frame and fairy lights on the window sill I notice the windows have bars on them, probably to stop you escaping, this is literally a prison. I open my window the few inches I am allowed so my room can get fresh air.

I go over and sort through my clothes and place my t shirts and hoodies in the wardrobe. I fold my jeans and Pjs, and place them in the bottom draw near my bed. I grab my socks and underwear and sanity products and put them in the top draw. I take my teddy,and place it on my bed. I have had bunny since I was born and can’t sleep without it.

I finished un packing mostly. I turn my music off and see Isabella and Rebecca have text.  

“we are clean and leaving school now so will be with you in 10 minutes!” followed by a selfie of them in there usual clothes and looking much nicer then sweaty after running laps.

“I text them back saying “I can’t wait it’s been a really tough day and I need you both!! I will meet you at reception.”

“Awesome nearly here!”

I get ready to go
meet them so I grab my phone and give myself a quick spray of body spray. Lock my
room behind me and head to reception to meet them. I am so excited to see them
I barely take notice of the girl screaming in the isolation unit. I guess I am
getting use to it here.

—TO BE CONTINUED—