The corridor lights turn on, I start to awake and rub my eyes. The nurse walks and opens my curtains, “Good Morning Anna, time to get up, it’s 8:30 am, get dressed and head for morning medications and breakfast, then we have group art therapy at 9:30 am followed by a morning walk in the woodlands. Then the afternoon is for family and friends visiting and free time.”

“Okay thank you, good morning.” I say with a yawn, still half asleep. The nurse leaves and I slowly crawl out of bed and head into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth.  Feeling a little more awake, I head over to my wardrobe and figure out what to wear, she said it’s art therapy and a nature walk so it needs to be comfy and practical, I grab some leggings, my favourite graphic tee and my super comfy hoodie, following it up with my favourite pair of purple converse. I spray some deodorant and perfume and head over to my mirror and check if my hair needs rebrushing, it does so I make an effort to brush my plait out and do two french braids, quick and easy. I grab my phone, earbuds and sketchbook and locking my room I head out, to medication and breakfast. As I leave my room I check my phone and see if Izzy and Becca are awake yet, Becca  is as Mandy woke her up at 7am, however Izzy is still snoozing. 

I text Becca back letting her know I am awake, headed for medication and breakfast and that this morning we have art therapy and a nature walk. She texted back saying at least I would enjoy the art part as I had woodland walks, and at least it was more peaceful then the morning she was going to have with Mandy who since 7am has been singing and dancing all around the house. I head to morning medications and grab the pills swallow with water and let the nurses see I have swallowed them. I then head over to the canteen. There is a little bit of a line this morning as we are all getting breakfast before art therapy, so I place one earphone in and turn on some music and I see Izzy has woken up and replied to the group chat, Sunday is the one day a week the whole family sleeps in and its the only time she gets to lie in past 6am. 

She reads the messages between me and Becca in the chat and catches up, and replies with hoping I have fun in my first group art therapy even if I am not thrilled about the nature walk. I will reply to her when I sit down but its my turn to grab a tray and decide I want to try Gloria’s pancakes so I kindly ask for two chocolate chip ones and head over to juice and grab some apple juice and grab a sachet of maple syrup and a knife and fork and napkin. I head over the cashier to swipe my bracelet. I greet Gloria and tell her I have heard from Matty how good her pancakes are so I had to try them and wish her a good day. I swipe my bracelet and head over to find a seat. I sit down on an empty table in the corner and place my second earphone in and set my tray down and get my phone to reply to Izzy and thank her for her wishes and send a picture of my food to the group chat, like we do every meal time. She sends a picture of waffles she is making as it’s always waffle day on Sundays and Becca lets me know they are going out for breakfast today as a treat before their dad is home and they are currently in the car with Jamie driving. I reply with a picture of my pancakes and once Becca gets to the breakfast diner, she also adds a picture of her food, she went with avocado on toast and poached eggs.

We message back and forth a little bit until I have to finish up and head to group art therapy which gives me some anxiety as it’s my first group therapy and I don’t like doing my sketches and art in big groups of people. I tidy my tray and breakfast things up and grab my sketchbook and head over to the art room. The usual small square tables have been rearranged into one big square table and this gives me alot of anxiety as it looks like a big group, judging by the 15 empty chairs I can count. I find a chair on one of the corners nearer to the exit as that feels safe to me, and I get my phone out and message Izzy and Becca to let them know I am the first one to arrive as I am early and I am feeling really anxious.  They remind me that it might be scary now but I am braver than I know, and they believe in me. They let me know that they will both be over later to do our usual sunday movie night and for now hugs over text will do but in a few hours they give me real life hugs. They also remind me of every challenge like group art therapy and participating is one step closer to being out of there for good. I take all their words in and message back with lots of love heart emojis and tell them I will text them once therapy is over and for them to enjoy their mornings and I am very much looking forward to rom com movie night tonight.

I put my phone in my pocket but keep my headphones in until the counsellor comes in and makes me remove them. I set up my sketchbook and pencils and grab some watercolours as I loved experimenting with watercolours when I did Becca’s illustration yesterday and wish to try that with a sketch I did ages ago of Izzy and her sisters as it’s Izzy’s mum’s birthday coming up soon and this would be a nice gift for her. 

People start to stream into the room and fill chairs up and Matty joins and once he sits down and settles he taps me on the shoulder and I take my headphones off. 

“sorry didn’t mean to disturb you.” He says apologetically as I put my brush down and look up.

“It’s okay, don’t apologize, I was super early so I got my headphones and started on an illustration and didn’t realise everyone else started coming in.”

“That’s a really cool drawing you are doing.”

“thanks, it’s Izzy and her four sisters, that’s Ivy who is 9 and Izzy shares a room with then you have eight year old twins Lucy and Lily and youngest is Indie. I figured it’s Izzy’s mum’s birthday next week and it would be nice for her to have this picture as a watercolour illustration so she can have it in her office.”

“that’s amazing and gosh Izzy sure has lots of siblings and a full house!”

“I know and she is a big help to her mum, since her mum works full time and is a single parent she relies on Izzy for help with her sister’s alot.”

“wow that’s alot to deal with but Izzy is sure an amazing big sister. Anyway, are you ready for your first art therapy session?”

“she is and not really. I am actually kind of nervous as I don’t like doing art in big groups of people.”

“me neither but it is part of the program that we all have to do at least once a week and just think every program and every step is just one stage closer to you being able to get out here.”

“Yeah thanks, that is exactly what Izzy and Becca keep reminding me. What about you, is it one step closer to you being out too?”

“oh no me?” he laughs “I am a lifer, there isn’t much they can do to turn me normal!” I want to ask him about that and whether he is joking and to explain but we get interrupted as the counsellor walks in. 

“Hello everyone, nice to see you all, oh I see we have a new face this week, well my name is Willow what is your name?”

“My name is Anna.” I say very quietly.

“Well hello there Anna so I am the art therapy counsellor here, I will explain how art therapy works, each week we work on a different project, guided by me and this is a safe space to talk if you wish but you do not have to talk, all I ask any of you is to try your best at the piece of art each week and give it your all!” She speaks with enthusiasm.  “This week’s project is we will be painting rocks for the community garden to bring life. And Anna I love that you are a creative soul and it’s a great piece of work but I ask you please put your watercolor piece away and work on that later.” I nod as I don’t  feel up to talking and place my piece on the drying rack, tidy my watercolours away and put my sketchbook to the side. She starts handing out rocks and  individual paint palettes and brushes and says we can sketch whatever onto the rocks first and paint it after or if we are wanting something simple she has stencils of flowers or she can show how to do a dot pattern with the opposite end of the paint brush. I chose to sketch a stained glass inspired piece of rapunzel holding a frying pan with the sun pattern from the movie around it. Maybe not great for an intricate piece on a small rock but I like challenges and focusing hard will mean I have an excuse not to talk as I don’t feel that’s something I can do right now as Willow is too much and too loud. Matty on the other hand is doing a much simpler design and sketching out hedwig from harry potter on his rock. 

I stayed really quiet and just focused on my art as I felt really anxious and awkward in such a big group. I hate not having my best friends with me, whenever I am in a big group outside of here, I have them with me right by my side and it doesn’t feel horrible. I feel like everyone is staring at me directly, even though I know they aren’t. I feel my skin is really red and warm, my heart feels fast. It is never like this with my best friends in a big group, or maybe only a tiny amount that I never noticed before because I had Isabella and Rebecca by my side always and now it is just me. 

My heart beats too fast and before I know it, I can’t breathe and the room goes black. I blink and open my eyes and I am in my room on my bed with no memory of how I got from the art room to here. As I gather myself, I see a nurse sat at the foot of my bed in my desk chair, with a clipboard.

—TO BE CONTINUED—