Masking takes so much energy. I never know what my mask is and what is the real me.

I worked for a few hours and I have two versions of a mask . One is for when I am with customers and I am doing my customer service smile and little bit on auto pilot for. If you work in hospitality too , you understand this, we all have a customer service ‘smile’ we use whether you are neurodiverse or not.

The other is my actual autism mask. The one I use when I am trying to be social which is whenever I am outside my house pretty much but especially at work with my other work team. I notice my mask drops around my close friends but I notice I mask hard around my work team.

Things I notice I do when masking include, ignore sensory problems that are bothering me, not stimming in ways people see ( may tap my fingers hidden by my sleeves but anything other not noticeable) Forcing myself to smile or laugh if I am not sure if I want to or when I don’t have a clue what’s being said so I laugh if people around me are laughing when I have no idea why.

I am always trying to figure out what is happening and what the people around me are talking about and 9/10 I actually don’t know and I have to pretend.  People could be laughing and teasing me right in front of my face and I would have no idea.

Which then makes me anxiety rise as both not knowing what they are talking about and if it’s me they are laughing at.

This gets so draining on me mentally. I just wish so badly I could understand and not need a mask.

A few times when I have tried unmasking at work , my managers have asked if I am okay and if there is something up. I usually reply with I am just tired. Reality is I am unmasking and not forcing myself to be happy at work if I am not. Maybe this needs a whole different blog post another day.

Honestly just mentally draining , and people question why I take advantage of any time off to literally sit in bed and not have any stimulation except a movie on my laptop, because I need that time to recharge.

Please tell me I am not alone in these feelings, any other autistics out there I know you feel the same!