We drive in silence
with the radio on in the background but none of us are listening we drive in
silence and I stare out the window watching the miserable rain fall down the
window which describes, my feelings right now, strangely as much as I normally
hate rain, it’s calming my nerves and feels almost therapeutic today.
After what feels like the longest and dullest car ride ever, we arrived at Alice and Aaron’s school. Mum parked the car up near the school gate. Alice and Aaron got out, grabbing their back packs. I heard mum shout to them “Have a lovely day you two, see you at three-twenty. Love you!” she then got out her phone to make a phone call to her Cafe, that she owns, to check everything is okay and to let her work friend, Jenny, who is my mum’s best friend and looks after the cafe when my mum isn’t there, that she would be late in as she had family stuff to deal with, in other words taking me to the psychiatric unit. At least my mum and Jenny can laugh and chat about it over coffee later on their lunch break, it’s not like she cares. I get out of the car to help Aaron with his PE kit and say give them a goodbye hug, I whisper to my mum “Don’t worry mum, I will be back soon I am just helping Aaron with his PE kit and saying goodbye, I promise I won’t run away again.” I say in a sarcastic tone, as I firmly close the car door behind me.
I swiftly walked towards the back of the car and help Aaron find his swimming kit and lunch box that is buried in-between all my bags of all the stuff I will need while I am stuck in hospital, just looking at it all reminds me I still don’t know how long I will be stuck there for, I feel the knot in my stomach tighten. I blink and come out of my own mind and focus on Aaron and Alice and how they must be feeling. I help Aaron lift his swimming bag and lunch box out and put it on the floor next to his backpack. Alice puts her bag pack and lunch box on the floor and they both look up at me with the saddest expression on their faces and for the first time I almost cry in front of them. I blink my tears back, I can tell Alice feels like crying as well but is refusing to as best as she can as she doesn’t want to cry in front of her friends who are chatting away, waiting for her at the gate. I couch down to Aaron’s level and pass him a fresh tissue out of my hoodie pocket. I use the tissue and carefully wipe his soft tears from his gentle eyes.
“Aaron try not worry okay, I will be okay, its only for a little while and you can come see me whenever you like, and I will ring you every night and tell you a story, and you can ring or video chat me whenever you like and I will be home before you know it!” I give him the biggest and tightest hug I can, I hope it lasts forever unfortunately they have to get off or they will be late for class. I stand up as I kiss his innocent little head and give him another hug. As I hug him I tell him “Go on you need to get to class, you can come see me after school, and you can tell me all the things your learned today!” I break apart the hug, even though I wish I didn’t have to, and I pass him his bags off the floor, and he gives me one more quick hug and I tell him I love him and have a good day, I will see him later. He walks off towards his friends and they walk to class, as he got to his friends he seemed to brighten up slightly, I am glad he has good friends!
I then turn to Alice who has been stood there looking down at the ground, I tell if it wasn’t for the fact she doesn’t want to be embarrassed in front of her friends, she would cry.
I grab her and give her the tightest hug I can while saying “Don’t worry about me okay, just promise me you will look after Aaron and yourself. If the arguing gets too much you can always escape to the den with Aaron, it’s the one place mum and dad don’t go. If you need me for anything you can ring me anytime day or night, and I will answer I promise I will have my phone on me 24/7, you can ring me anytime and you will visit me so much it is like I was never gone, and then I will home real soon I promise.” She brightness up after this hug. I give her a kiss on the head and I feel her get a bit embarrassed as I think she realised her friends are watching, bless her it’s cute when she gets embarrassed. She grabs her stuff and starts to walk off and then runs back to give me a quick hug and I hear her say “I love you, I am going to miss you!” I give her a hug back and I tell her I love her too, and to go her friends are waiting.
She runs off to her friends, they do their little high five routine they do, she wipes her tears and seems to cheer up as they walk down the path to school all giggling about some random thing.
I stand there watching her walk away and I try and not cry. I wish I could do the same, go to school, walk away and pretend everything is normal. I remember I can’t and walk towards the car where my mum is waiting.
I reluctantly get in and my mum gets off the phone and tells me not to slam the door like that. I sit slouched and don’t make eye contact with her I just stare out the window dreading what’s to come. We drive in silence.As we approach the hospital I consider jumping and running out the car however I could get injured and my mum would easily catch me, so I don’t try that and I don’t see any other way out. I have to do this though, have to get better for Alice and Aaron, they need me this or divorce we tear the family apart.
The car stops right outside and I read a sign that says “Leeds Hospital Psychiatric unit” I instantly feel the knot in my stomach become a lot tighter. We get out the car, my mum being very close and not taking her eyes off me, in case I try and escape but I don’t see the point, I ran before and now I am back. We walk around and grab my bags from the car, we carry them towards the building, all the time my mum watching me making sure I don’t run away, she doesn’t trust me anymore. As we walk into the building, my feet drag, as if they are protesting with me. I walk as slow as I can, not that makes much difference, my mum tells me to walk normally. I breathe in and the area stinks of hospital air, and it makes it feel like I can’t breathe, like the hospital air sticks to my lungs. I try and ignore it and figured my lungs will adjust.
As we walk towards the reception desk to check in, I look at the living room and I watch the patients. I hear my mum checking me in talking to a nurse and signing papers, my eyes move around I see various different patients rocking in silence. I can’t be like them surely! I see a few others that are just sat there watching TV and they all look just plain and a few of them have a feeding tube presumably as they suffer with an eating disorder. All the patients look from about my age to roughly mid 20s.
I am drawn to watching one guy who looks completely ordinary like me. He doesn’t look crazy at all we both look like we shouldn’t be here but we are. He is sat there reading some harry potter, as unlike everyone else who is sat there spaced out he is actually reading and the fact he is reading harry potter as well is making me want to stay here more as at least I might have made one friend in this crazy place. He could make this crazy place easier for me to bare. He looks up from his book and his eyes meet mine and it feels like was a spark in the room. I don’t know how long we have been staring at each other but my mum drags me away as we follow the nurse to put my stuff in my room. We walk fast to keep up with the nurse and she takes us down a maze of hall ways and leads us to one room, its a private room (as my mum and dad paid extra so I could have a private and not shared room) we place my stuff on my bed and the nurses tells she will give me a minute to say goodbye to my mum and that she will then get me started and take me on tour of the place.
My mum simply looked at me and said “I will back later with Alice and Aaron to let them visit and see how you’re getting on. I know you think we are horrible in sending you here however you need help and me and your dad only want to help you.”
I interrupt her.. “ well if you want to help you won’t get a divorce and tear our family apart.”
“Anna you know we have to for reasons beyond your understanding and I know your angry and frustrated now but it will be for the best. Me and my dad love you okay? We all love you Alice and Aaron and the divorce may be hard but it will work out and you will get better soon and everything will be fine. Any issues you have about being here and the divorce you can work out in therapy. We do love you Anna.”
She leaves without saying another word. I am so angry at her for everything. I focus on just getting through the day. I check my phone and see Izzy and Becca have text me asking if I am okay and if I need them. They so sweet I love them! I text them back quickly, and say I am here I am okay for now and it would help if they came as soon as school is done. They respond quick and say they will miss last period as its PE, pull a sicky and come see me. I love how they are willing to get in trouble just because I need them. I send them lots of kisses back.
I remember the nurse is waiting for me. I walk outside just taking a deep breath. I might as well face what the day has to come. She explains her name is Nurse Whitehead and she is charge around here. She starts the tour. She walks very fast so I try and keep up. She takes me to the room I would have therapy in, the place to go for my meds, the canteen, were the bathrooms and showers are. We walk down one corridor that is bright and white. There are very big steel doors with only a small window. She explains this is the isolation ward where you go if you need some time to cool down. She reassures me only reoccurring problematic patients end up here and since I am new as long as I do what they say I won’t end up here. That brings a sign of relief to me, this ward looks like things I have seen in horror films with the big white rooms of foam. I speed up and caught up with the nurse who takes me down another few corridors and then she shows me some schoolrooms where I will come for class once a day 9-12 to do school work and that the school have worked out a scheme with the hospital so I don’t fall behind in school while I am here. She then takes me down some room hallways and outside into a playground like area, she explains we come here when we feel like we need some air and to cool down, and if you come out here you will be one to one with a nurse. She then takes me to the living room area and explains about this is place people go on free time or if you prefer you can be in your rooms. She then explains about checks and as I am new I will have regular 15 minute checks day and night just to check where I am on my free time and as I get use to being here the checks go from every 15 minutes to every 3 hour checks as long as I behave well. She then notices someone kicking off the other side of the room, she tells me she has to go and make myself comfy she will be back soon.
I nod along and head into the living room and spot the guy I made eye contact with earlier and sit down next to him.
“Hi I am Anna I am 14 and I just got here. Who are you?”
“I am Will, I am 14 also but been here a while now.”
“grool.” Grool what? How are you so awkward? Speak like a normal human. “Sorry I meant to say cool but I said grool.”
“Grool.” He laughs at that. I blush.
I try and distract the conversation and point to his book “Goblet of Fire good choice, for me my favourite book is The deathly hallows as I love the detail about the horcuxes that isn’t in the film.”
“I totally agree, that film didn’t give very much detail about each horcrux but the books just made them feel you so real you know!”
The nurse came back after dealing with a patient and said “I am sorry Anna I have to go sort this out…oh I see you found a friend there, William do you mind giving Anna the rest of the tour please, show her around, introduce her to everyone, make her feel comfortable, help her finding her way around and help her out for a few days?”
“No problem Nurse Whitehead I would love to, me and Anna are getting on great.”
“thanks William, must dash.,” She then rushes off down a hallway.
“So let’s take you on the grand tour shall we my lady?”
My lady how fancy that makes me feel special and I blush and follow him around. As we get up he picks his book up and pulls his left sleeve tight to hide what looks like a bandage around his wrist.
“The living room where everybody comes to be bored out their minds if they still have a mind that is.” I love his humour he is so cute! He carried on “The nurses station over there is where we go to get drugs, don’t argue just take what they give you, bring it up in therapy. Speaking of here we go the therapy room where we all go for them to look at our brains, even if you have nothing to say, talk, it’s the best way out of here, talk about everything and anything then they think your cured and off you go!”
“if you know that can I ask why you haven’t mange to get out of here yet?” I asked cautiously in case I asked him something he wasn’t comfortable talking about.
“oh I did they couldn’t cope round here without me so I came back,” I can tell that he doesn’t want to say the real reason he is still here, however I get anxious and we carry on the tour.
“down this hallway, we have the isolation unit, where you go if you have tried to hurt yourself or something. You end up here for a while and I have been here a few times, it’s my favourite room”. We look through a small window on the door and it’s a white padded room like I have read about in books and it gives me a creepy feeling; I hope I don’t end up here. He has doodled some amazing art work on a few walls – he must have had a lot of time in this room. “yeah I typically spend my time either in there or in my own room reading and watching harry potter or sketching!” he says.
“yeah I love harry potter too! When I am not spending time with my best friends or my brother and sister I am usually reading or watching harry potter, or at least I did before this happened…” I trail off and he can tell I don’t feel very good.
“You have a brother and sister? tell me about them.” he asks, distracting me from the tour and it is working because talking about my siblings to other people makes me happy.
“Aaron is 7 and bless him, he loves pirates and wizards and his imagination is endless. He is brilliant at art and drama. Alice – she is abit older she is 12 and she thinks she is so grown up and wants to wear make up and has crushes on guys in her class but at the same time I see she loves Moana and anything Disney and still gets scared in storms and sleeps with a teddy. She wants to be grown up but she also loves being a child and me and her are extremely close like better than just a sister bond, she is my best friend as well as my two best friends Isabella and Rebecca. I miss them both a lot already. Saying goodbye this morning was so hard!”
“I know what you mean I hate saying goodbye to my little brother, Peter. He is also 7. Him and Aaron could get along really well. You mentioned your best friends Isabella and Rebecca what are they like?”
“AMAZING! We meet at the age of four and became best friends instantly. We even have our secret hand shake and everything. Isabella is incredible at fashion, she is always making her own floral dresses and clothes. Rebecca is amazing to, she is a genius when it comes to science and maths but refuses to admit it. You will hopefully get to meet them later as they coming by after school.”
“I look forward to it! They sound amazing. Hey so up here is my room wanna take a break from the tour and watch some harry potter?”
“of course!”
I agree as I am already feeling too tired from my anxiety; I am hoping it passes the time until last period when Rebecca and Isabella are going to come. They said they would skip last period which is PE for me to come and see me. They would have skipped the whole afternoon and come from lunch but hey said they had a French test which they couldn’t miss. I am grateful how they are willing to risk everything for me. I need them. I wish they were here now.
We walked into his room and it was very strange, not like the rest of the rooms in this place, his was very strange, clearly this is where he stayed and he rarely leaves as this room isn’t plain like the others, its customized. His walls are decorated with his amazing art work, I don’t think I can see a patch of plain wall left, clearly he has spent a lot of time working on the walls which means he spent a lot of time in this room in this place. I try and not think about that as it makes me feel weird. As I walk in he closes the door but I hate having doors closed it makes me claustrophobic and trapped and he sees the look of panic on my face as he is closing the door and he leaves it and opens it again. I feel more relaxed, and especially since I didn’t have to explain about why I don’t like doors closed.
He looks as if he managed to get a private room as well like me, maybe since he is here that often they just kept this as his own room. I sat awkwardly at the end of his bed, not knowing how to act as I was that anxious. He grabbed his laptop over and made himself comfy on his bed and he tells me I can relax and just watch the film, so I relax a little and shuffle and sit cross legged on one side of the bed while Matty is more relaxed and slouching on the other with the laptop in-between us. Once he sets the movie up he grabbed his sketchbook from his bedside and starts sketching, I can’t see what he is sketching though.
“what you sketching over there?”
“you will see later now focus on the movie.” He said with a smirk.
I grab my phone out my pocket and grab a pillow place that on my lap and put my phone on top so I can fidget with my phone while also having it handy if Isabella and Rebecca text me. He has put on Order of the Phoenix as he told me that is his favourite film and coincidentally my favourite as well.
We watch the film and he makes me laugh as we both know all the words of by heart, so we have a abit of fun and do impressions and make each other laugh. During the movie we had a nurse walk in and shout checks this happened a lot during the movie, I better get use to that.
As the movie ends I close his laptop screen and closes his sketchbook to try and hide it without me seeing it. I snatch it out his hands and say “hey you said I could see it after the movie.”
“fine!” I open his book to the page with the pencil stuck in as a book mark.
“you drew me?” inside the book was a beautifully detailed sketch of me smiling.
“hmmm yeah…” he is all embarrassed. “I just find you fascinating and the light from the window was just right so I had to sketch you there.”
“cool, none has ever drawn me before normally its me drawing others.” I flip through the rest of his sketches really quick, “woah these are amazing, you have some serious skill, and we draw in very similar styles actually.”
“really, you sketch too? I bet your amazing at it, can I see?”
“yeah I have my sketch book with me it’s in my room, you better lead the way I still get lost, it’s room 12.”
“room 12 isn’t far, its actually only 3 rooms down from mine, I’m room 15. Come on I will show you. How long have you been drawing for?”
“as long as I can remember really, I only properly started to sketch in high school though as my art teacher encouraged me to peruse that and helped me learn how to sketch properly. I love art class as I get to just relax and do what I love. Plus it’s better then science!! What about you when did you start sketching?”
“That’s really cool and I started when I first came in here, they encouraged me write everything I was feeling but that didn’t work so I started to draw what I felt and from there I just kept going, you would be amazed at the characters you find in here to draw.”
“that’s cool, oh here we are my room. I know super bare right now but once I unpack and string some fairy lights it should feel more like me. Make your self comfy I have to dig my sketchbook out.”
He gets comfy on my bed while I route through my bag for my sketch pad. “Here we are got it.” I say handing it over, even though I usually hate my sketch pad being looked at by anyone and I keep it private, I figured he let me see his book so it’s only fair.
He flicks through and I explain abit about my sketches “That’s Alice with our two guinea pigs, Luna and Moana no guesses to which one is mine. There is quite a few of Alice as she loves to be drawn and her long brown hair is great to sketch.” I flick through a couple of pages of Alice drawings. “That’s Aaron, he loves to dress up and play characters, which makes it fun for me to draw him.” I flick through a couple of different sketches of Aaron in various costumes. “oh that’s Izzy she is sewing away at her machine and making a new design. And here she is styling it out and modelling her design. Floral dresses are her go to, her long wavy blond hair makes her modelling sketches so much fun. She is so beautiful both inside and out but hates to hear it!” I flick through a few more sketches of Isabella. “oh and here is Rebecca she is crazy smart and is amazing at science! Here is one of her helping Mr Chalk in class. I didn’t quite understand the experiment but she just took off and knew exactly what to do. She is crazy smart but hates to admit it. Oh and here is here and her little sister Mandy sleeping. She is an amazing big sister.”
“woah you have some crazy talent and I hope I get to meet Alice, Aaron, Isabella and Rebecca they sounds amazing.”
“Thanks, it’s not much just some sketches, Miss Bisby my art teacher is helping me a lot and is encouraging me to study art at university. I don’t know yet. I am sure you will meet them, especially Izzy and Becca they promised they would be so much they may as live here too.”
“that’s cool. I agree you should go to uni for art your incredible at it. You have some real talent!”
“Thanks. I might if I ever get out of this crazy place!”
“you will, your not half as crazy as most the people in here. You hungry? How about we go grab some lunch and I can show you where the canteen is?”
“sounds good I am so hungry!”
“awesome! I will lead the way, today is macaroni cheese day.”
“yum! That’s my favourite!”
I pack my sketch pad onto my desk and grab my phone.
We walk down the corridors and I try and follow so I know my way back to my room.
“here we are, the canteen! Breakfast is 7-10am, lunch is served 12-2pm and dinner is 6—8pm. But if you want a snack there is a vending machine near reception. Follow me I will show you were to grab trays etc.”
I follow him and he grabs a tray and a plate, and I follow. He grabs a lemonade from the fridge and I do the same. We walk down and he picks mac and cheese with fruit and a piece of cake. I do the same. I guess we have the same food tastes as well as art and harry potter. He walks to the end cashier desk.
“hey Gloria, how are you today?”
“good thank you William, and who is this?” she says while typing on the cashier.
“this is Anna she got here today, I am showing her around.” He swipes his ID bracelet against. “Anna once Gloria here types this food on your tray in, you swipe your ID bracelet here so your parents can be charged for the meal in your medical bill. Remember to do that.
“okay thanks.” I do the same and once Gloria types my food in I swipe my ID bracelet.
“thanks Gloria,” we both say as we walk off to a table.
We find a empty table and sit down.
“I have therapy at 1 so might have to dash off, is there anything your questioning about how it works here?”
“that’s fine and yeah how’s it work with showering?”
“oh yeah so showers are open all day 7am-9pm. Separate showers for men and women don’t worry. There is a nurse in the changing room for help and to monitor etc. No locks on the shower doors just switch the sign on the front to in use. While your in the shower you can put your stuff either in a locker using your ID bracelet as the lock or with the nurse. You will learn your ID bracelet is so necessary never take it off until you leave. If you need to shave you ask the nurse for a razor and then she will have to watch you shave in case you wanted to harm yourself. You will learn there is no privacy in here. I suggest getting showered at 8-8:30 as none except the nurse will be in then. The toilets are just next to the changing rooms, the same thing no privacy, when your in just put sign outside to in use. That’s it really.”
“cool thanks, and yeah I get the impression about no privacy. What about showering with ID bracelets-are the waterproof?”
“yeah you can shower and stuff with them on don’t worry, better get use to them that ID bracelet will be stuck and part of you until your discharge.”
“great.” I roll my eyes and we laugh. We finish eating and chat more. Turns out we have a lot more than harry potter, sketching and food in common.
“so tell me about your family?
“well not much to tell, my mum and dad go divorced at the age of 8 and ever since then it’s been me, my little brother peter and my mum as my dad moved to London for his job and we barely hear from him.”
“aww I am sorry about that,”
“thanks, what about your family? You mentioned your brother and sister?”
“Yes Aaron and Alice they are amazing and we are very close. Then there is my mum and dad. My mum is brilliant, she owns a café and is an amazing baker our house always smells amazing she always experiments with different recipes. My dad expects perfection from all three of us and I think has some strange hate towards me, but I have just learnt to deal with it, well won’t have to much anymore since they are getting divorced. That’s what started this whole mess. They told us Monday after school, up until then it was the best day since it was the first day of Year 9 and Izzy came back from fashion camp, so we hadn’t seen her all summer. That night I had a panic attack and passed out in the den and Izzy and Becca got my parents and ended up in A+E and then next day I woke up in the psych unit and that’s when Rebecca came up with the plan to break me out.”
“wait was it you that broke out the other day? Cool you know you were the talk of the ward? It created a real buzz around here.”
“cool but fat load of good I did me breaking out coz I am back. They claim I have anxiety, and something called border line personality disorder. Until they are happy, I am stuck here but at least I have you to keep me sane in here. What about you? “
“Aww that sucks and yeah we can keep each other sane. And oh I have been In and out here for about a year, I cut myself a few times and they think I am danger to myself.” I notice him pull his shirt sleeve over his bandage again. He grabs his phone to check the time, “oh shoot I have to dash and get to therapy. Are you gonna be alright finding your way back to your room?”
“yeah I should be fine thanks I am gonna un pack abit and then Izzy and Becca should be here.
“Okay cool well trays go over there and if you get lost nurses are all over and can help you. I know they look scary but they aren’t. I had fun getting to know you and I will see you soon okay?”
“yeah same, see you Will.”
I walked him walk away and I got really sad that he wasn’t here.
—TO BE CONTINUED—