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BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! I groaned. I looked at my clock it was seven in the morning. Aaron and Alice will be getting up for school. I knew what was to come, I wasn’t ready but I had no choice.

I wish I could stay here, in my bed, my room. I lay here for a few minutes and just let my covers hug me. I checked my phone and I already had a bunch of texts off Isabella and Rebecca, they must have been up early as Mandy has a long morning routine since she has to do morning shots and medications, they were asking me if I was awake already how did I sleep usual morning chat. I text them back and texts go back and forth for a few minutes. My stomach moans and I smell my mum is cooking pancakes downstairs probably because she wanted to make this special before I was shipped back to hospital, I don’t think I minded this time since it involves pancakes.

I slide out of my bed, putting my slippers and dressing gown on as it was chilly. I grabbed my phone off the charger and placed it in my pocket. I freshen myself up by using a face wipe and quickly spraying deodorant. Time to face the day and head downstairs, at least I could start it out right with pancakes.

I went downstairs I felt really anxious about the day to come, my mum’s pancakes smelt amazing as always though. I headed straight for the kitchen, saying a quick hello to the family guinea pigs called Luna and Moana (no guesses needed to guess which is the one I picked and which Alice picked) the cage is in the hall way, it was shared between me, Alice and Aaron but mainly Alice looks after them. I went into the kitchen, I saw my mum making pancakes and my dad wasn’t there, looks like he didn’t want to bother seeing me off to the hospital and saying goodbye, he didn’t care, strangely it didn’t bother me as I was use to it and I had stopped caring about how my dad felt about me.

“Morning mum!” I said over the radio, she turned it down.

“Aww morning sweet heart,” I said as I sat down at the table and poured some orange juice from the jug into a small glass. “umm…what you cooking over there it smells amazing!!!”

“Thank you! You ready for some of my brilliant chocolate chip, pancakes?”

“Of course! I am starving!” I drank some my juice. Chocolate chip pancakes, she only makes them for special occasions, if you would call going to hospital special.

“Would you mind go and waking Alice and Aaron up for me please? If they don’t wake up soon they will be late for school.” She said as she put all the pancakes on one plate and placed them on the table. She had set the breakfast table so lovely, with all the pancake toppings like syrup and lots of fresh chopped fruit, from strawberries to kiwis, grapes to melon, it was all too perfect to believe.

I did as she asked and dashed upstairs to go wake up Alice and Aaron. I walked into Aaron’s room first, he was all snuggled up in bed, he could not have looked more peaceful, I felt slightly mean to wake him as he looked to peaceful so I grabbed my phone to snap a quick picture so I could remember him like this. I leant over him and shuck him gently and said “Aaron wake up for breakfast, mum made her chocolate chip pancakes!” With the word pancakes he went from being a sleepy eyed boy to jumping out of bed, jumped into his slippers and dressing down and ran downstairs, trying to drag me along.

“wait, calm down,” I told him, reclaiming my arm, “we have to wake up Alice first!

He ran into her room and started jumping on her bed with her still in it, he was definitely excited this morning. I decided to join the fun and started tickling her. With bursts of laughter she said “fine I am up, not get off!” She said while giggling.

“fine we are off,” we started walking out as if we were heading to the kitchen “don’t blame us if there aren’t any pancakes left, me and Aaron might eat them all if you don’t get out of bed. “we said to tease her.

“Fine I am up, I am coming wait for me.” She grumpily said as she put her dressing gown and slippers on and wiped her sleepy eyes, she was always moody on school mornings not hyper like Aaron.

We all walked downstairs, and then me and Aaron sat down at the kitchen table and I grabbed the orange juice and poured each one out a glass.  Alice went to check on the guinea pigs and give them breakfast she always sorted them out first thing and cleaned there cage every day after school. She was very good at looking after them. She grabbed some spinach from the fridge and distrusted that around their hutch. She then filled up their water bottle with fresh water and gave that a quick clean and places it back on the hutch. She gave them a quick stroke and said good morning.

After a couple of minutes, she washed her hands and then joined us at the breakfast table. Mum cooked the last pancake and served them on a plate and placed the stack down in the middle as she joined us. We all got stuck into to our food, it was like a competition to see who could make the best pancake. Aaron made his into a smiley face, he used pieces of bananas for eyes and some raspberries for the mouth and syrup for the hair. Alice covered hers in all kinds of fruit, strawberries, kiwi, grapes, melon, pretty much pieces of all the fruit on the table apart from bananas as she is allergic to banana. Mum put some raspberries and strawberries on hers and put some pieces of melon on the side. I decided to put strawberries, melon, and some syrup on mine. It all looked to perfect to be true. It smelt amazing but tasted even better.

As we started eating Alice said “this is brilliant, but how come dad isn’t here?”

“oh just had to go job interview early sweetie, hopefully this interview goes well as it’s good local job and pays well.” I can tell that is a lie, he just didn’t want to say goodbye to me as he doesn’t care. I try and not let that affect my mood as I don’t want to make Alice and Aaron upset. 

We all just sat eating in comfortable silence enjoying just being here together. It might be the last time for a while, I try and block this thought out of my mind.

After we all finished eating, we went to get ready for the day. Alice went to do her morning chore of sweeping up around the guinea pig hutch while me and Aaron headed upstairs. He started to get ready as he doesn’t have any chores yet since he is so young so he went into the bathroom to grab a shower before school. I grabbed his school uniform from his bedroom floor and said “I am timing you– you have 10 minutes to shower, change into your uniform and brush your teeth.” We have to time him to help him get ready on time for school in a morning. I started the timer on my phone and headed into my room to get changed.

I looked at my wardrobe and examined my options. I grabbed my favourite pair of blue jeans, a comfy graphic tee which has a harry potter quote and my black zip hoodie. It felt strange not to be taking out my new school uniform that I guess was just going to sit in my wardrobe new for a while now.

I may look like a bit of mess but I figured if I am going to be in hospital I might as well wear comfy clothes, I doubt anyone in the unit cares and my family and Rebecca and Isabella have seen me messy many times before so I doubt they mind. I checked my hair and it was still in the side braid and looked good so I just secured it with some bobby pins and hair spray.

I checked my phone and there was 4 minutes left in Aaron’s timer so I took this time to grab the last few things I needed and packed them. Phone charger, check, hair brush, check, bath towel, check. Only thing I need to remember now is tooth brush.

I checked Aaron’s timer again and he has one minute left so I go to warn him. “One minute left buddy you should be nearly done.”

I hear him finish up and open the door shouting “DONE, what was my time?”

“44 seconds left, well done buddy! Let’s see…” I inspect his uniform and pretty good he manged to button his shirt himself today and wearing matching socks. “Great job kid, now hang your bath towel on the banister, make your bed, fold your Pjs up for me and I will be in to help you with your hair and tie.

I hear Alice coming up the stairs after sorting the guinea pigs out so I meet her at the top and check in with her.

“hey the girls all sorted?”

“yep, I gave them some cucumber slices for a treat and swept around the hutch and played with them for a few minutes.”

“brilliant, you take such good care of them. Well good timing as Aaron is done in the bathroom so it’s your turn for the shower. I am going to call Izzy and Becca and then will help Aaron with his hair and tie, you want help with your hair this morning?”

“yes please, can you do two French braids either side, I have PE today so need to keep my hair out my face.”

“of course, I can, braids are my speciality! Go grab a shower and get changed and let me know when your done.”

She nods and walks into the bathroom.

I walked into Aaron’s room to help him get ready for school.  His room was so innocent just like him, I hoped it stayed like this. His walls were painted like a jungle. His bed had a colourful jungle print and I noticed he made his bed like I asked with his blanket and teddy at the top of his pillows and his Pjs folded next to them. His floor was covered in toys, it was like a scene from toy story.  I tried to take a picture with my mind and remember his room as it might be a while before I can come back in here.

“Nice job with the bed and folding PJs buddy, now what are we doing with your tie.” I look at his attempt to put his tie on and he always struggles.  “Here let me show you.”

I undo the knot in his tie from his attempt and re do his tie showing him as I go along. As I finished helping him with his school tie, I say “Here we go, nice and neat. Is that comfy, not digging into you?”

“No its okay, thanks sis”

“good, now how do you want it doing today? Fringe to the right bit puffy? Like normal?” He nods his head at that.

I grab his hair brush off his desk and start brushing his hair into his neat school hair style, as gently as I can, I never want to hurt him and he always moans if I brush too hard. I brush through his long hair and ask him about his school day about what lessons he has.

“So what have you got going off at school today?”

“Science, English and my favourite subjects art and drama! We are doing Alice In Wonderland for the play this term, I am so excited!!” He is not very good at academic subjects, but he excels in art and drama, he is very creative and loves singing and dancing and being centre of attention.

“it sounds like it, what part are you hoping to get?”

“tweedle dee because James is hoping to get tweedle dumb,” James is Aaron’s best friend, they are inseparable. Reminds me of Isabella and Rebecca and me when we were younger. “The play should be just before Christmas break, do you think you will be home by then and be able to come see me?”

I stop brushing his hair and bend down to his level to make eye contact and hug him while I say “I wouldn’t miss it for the world little bro!”

We finish our hug and I carry on sorting is hair out.  I style it out slightly, as has started to want to style it more as he friends all have spikey hair. When I think it looks okay, Aaron looks in the mirror and says “That’s brilliant thanks Anna!”  place the brush back on his desk and grab the hairspray. I place my hands over his forehead protecting his gentle eyes from hairspray, he also uses his hands to cover his gentle eyes. I spray drops of hairspray over his head, and use my hands to blend his hairspray into his hair. 

“There we go, my handsome little bro, all done! “ I announce as I give him another hug.

“Thanks Anna!”

“No problem munchkin! I am just going to check on your sister to see if she needs help, why don’t you practice your spellings once more and check you have all the right school books packed.” I watch him walk over to his desk and grab his spelling book, he is so well behaved I never have to ask him to do things twice. I walk out of his room and towards Alice’s room. I make sure to knock on her door first as I know she gets irritated if people walk in without knocking. I notice she is already dressed and almost ready for school, she is just finishing putting her school tie on.

I have a quick look around her room and try and take a picture with my mind to remember how cute her bedroom is as I may not be in here for while.  She is at the age where she wants the world to see her grown up as she has started to wear make up (only small amounts and not for school, I help her with it.) and she loves fashion and is trying to be grown up but she is still and always will be my little baby sister, and her room shows that she wants the word to see her grown up but with hints of child like personality. She has a massive make up and beauty products selection. However she still has her stuffed animals and her blankie on her bed which she can’t sleep without, (she doesn’t like to admit she does this and tries to hide them on sleepovers) and she has some child like Disney bedding on.

“Hey sis, how you coming along? Almost ready for school?”  I asked.

“Not bad,” she said while she is struggling to put her school tie on as she can never mange to tie it properly herself. I walk in and help her out with her tie. She looks up to me and with a sad look in her she says “I really wish you didn’t have to go back to the hospital… mum and dad never stops arguing when you were gone.”

“I know sis, but you and Aaron can visit me every day after school and on the weekends, you won’t have a chance to miss me that much and if mum and dad argue you and Aaron can go and escape it in the den upstairs, you can call and text and video chat me anytime you want. I won’t be gone that long, I will be home soon I promise.” I wasn’t actually didn’t know how long I would be gone, which was terrifying to me as I don’t know if I will go in then I don’t know long it will take to make me better or if I will be allowed home. I could let Alice know I was worried and anxious about going, she is upset enough, I had to be brave and strong for her and Aaron even if inside I was terrified about what was to come.  As I finished helping Alice with her tie, I gave her the tightest hug and kissed the top of her head.

Before we had time to feel upset about what could or might happen mum shouted to us all upstairs that it was time to leave or Alice and Aaron will be late for school.  Alice grabbed her school bag and her blazer and put her school ballet flats on and walked downstairs. 

I shouted “Go on I will meet you in the car.” She walks down stairs. I walk towards Aaron’s room to see if he almost ready, I see him finishing putting his stuff in his school bag, and he puts on his trainers. As he walks out the door I give him a quick hug and tell him I will meet him in the car. He innocently walks off downstairs.

I walk into my bedroom to get all my stuff. I pick up my bags from on top of my bed and checked I had everything I needed. I walked out my room and stopped at the door and turned around and looked at room one last time. I took a deep breath in as I wanted to remember everything especially what my room smells like, a mix of lush products, and my citrus scented room diffuser.  I will miss that.

I take another deep breath and try and calm down as I had to face the hospital now there was no way out. I haul all my bags down stairs and load them in the boot of the car. I close the door and walk towards the passenger seat and opened the door and stepped in closing the door behind me.  I look behind in the back and I see Alice behind me with her school bag. Aaron is behind mum and he is in his booster seat as he is young and quite small for his age. He smiles at me with his innocent little face and I smile back even though inside I am shaking with nerves. I slide my seat belt over me and click in place. I look at mum who clicks the engine. The radio comes on in the background. We start the short journey. It’s a twenty minute journey to Aaron and Alice’s school and then a further twenty minutes to the hospital. There is no way out now. I try and stay brave and strong for Aaron and Alice. We drive in silence with only the radio in the background but none is listening to the radio.

That is it, I have to do this but I am shaking with nerves and I am dreading going to the hospital. There is no way out.

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TO BE CONTINUED

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