I have two minds about being autistic, I both love and hate it.
I hate it as it makes my life so unnecessarily hard. I cannot understand social situations like everyone else, I always feel like I am on the outside and I never understand what is happening.
It’s like a blur of people talking and mouths moving with words that don’t make sense, like they are speaking another language. So I smile and giggle and pretend I know what’s happening as that’s my way of masking. Which always makes me question am I smiling and giggling because I want to or because I am covering my insecurities of not understanding the conversation.
Never knowing if what I am saying is going to be taken as offence or as funny even if I am not trying to be. Often things come out wrong and people laugh when I am actually trying to be serious. Or get offended when I didn’t mean to be hurtful and then hide the hurt until it builds up and ends friendships.
Feeling like I want to spin in circles when happy or tap my hands on my knees or tap my fingers together to a song, when happy but not,because you don’t want to as people look at me weird as that makes me anxious, so instead I quietly tap my fingers under my sleeves where none can see, or hold my stims until its safe and I am alone.
Always being too much for most people and then not enough for others and never finding the balance and knowing what is too much or too little? Partially with relationships and this often means dates don’t happen or usually get to third or fourth date until they decide no thanks have a nice life.
Feeling pretty lonely all of the time but then when something comes up like drinks with work friends after shift, you either don’t have the spoons to go if it was spontaneous as we don’t do that. Or it takes planning and days of saving your spoons to go which sometimes doesn’t work, so you feel anxious which makes you avoid and make excuses and make yourself be left out and lonely. Which then causes guilt and pain as are you lonely because you don’t fit in or because it’s easier trying not to and being by yourself?
The world always being too loud, too bright and too overstimulating.
I also love it sometimes, the way my mind works. The way my mind works and focuses and sees details others often don’t. Black and white thinking and routines and structure (some things my manager picked up on and commended me for in a one-to-one at work).
Having hyper focus on a task and being so invested in it and wanting to get all the details right.
Having a special interest (for me currently- musical theatre, disney, lego, reading, this blog, baking.) which allows you to fully invest your energy into something creative and fun and focus. Also being able to try different things as yes some special interests stay the same for years (the ones I listed above) but some you try and become a special interest for a period of time and then dopamine wears off which means you can try so many fun things. (for example kickboxing, sewing, knitting, ice skating, jigsaws, have been some I tried in the past which maybe I might love again one day. )
Having a best friend (neurodivergent or not, mine is neurotypical) being able to share and info dump about your special interest or doing parallel play with them and them just being supportive and letting you be you.
Having a spark, a tingle or energy and electricity running through your bones whenever you get excited or creative or happy.
These are just some things I both love and hate about being autistic, tell me in the comments what are some of your favourite and least favourite things about being autistic?