I really like autism to not be there for a day. Just one single day. I see others and Ii just wish I could be social like them.

What sparked this post and idea is how I went to my Christmas staff party a few nights ago (yes hospitality workers do their parties after Christmas when they get to celebrate!) I went for two hours and that was too much and I made an escape. I managed to have a few drinks (since it was a free tab paid for by work!) and I joined in on a few board games that were happening, however the whole time I was focusing in my head how loud the music was. I got to my limit after a few hours when the world starts feeling fuzzy (and I don’t think it was because alcohol as I hardly had any and they were weak!)

Normally when things feel fuzzy and and I can’t hear what is being said, that’s my sign I need to escape and not push myself or a meltdown will happen.

I came away feeling good that I tried and good that I listened to my head and didn’t push my limits especially when the rest of this week is busy with work and a date so couldn’t afford a meltdown and recovery and no spoon time.

However I just wish it wasn’t so hard to be social sometimes. I wish more than anything I could have an off switch for autism so in situations like this I could just leave the house without worrying about masking or being overstimulated. Not having to worry if I do one social thing for a few hours that it will mean I am out of action for the rest of the week. Not worrying that I want and need to wear headphones/ear defenders when doing social things however not wearing them as I don’t want to be seen as weird and standing out. Not worrying that when you are out with your friends, you actually have no idea what the conversation is about, you are seeing lips move and words spoken but cant keep up due to the fan in the background being loud. Then feeling like you have to mimic the laughs and reactions of your friends and hoping what they are laughing at isn’t you, but you just don’t know.

It would just be great to not have to deal with this and just turn the autism off so I could not only appear normal but be normal for just a few hours.

However there is no turning the autism off so I try and focus on the positive side of my brain how I always think creatively, I see things others do not and my brain can be magic at times.